There's these moments where everything calms, and I can breath without as much struggle with my collapsing chest.. And I can hold it together.. Im not falling about so damned often.. And I can actually find happiness, and enjoy what's given to me. Sometimes even enjoy being me..
But they'll always be just moments. Because then everything falls apart again, and again, and again. Life keeps going back to shit and I end up losing everything that was worth going on for. I lose all sight in what's important... I hate you. I hate absolutely everything about you, And never will there be a real bond between us, you stupid piece of shit. You worthless, pathetic man. I wish you were dead. Why can't you just be dead? What do I keep doing that makes me deserve this. I swear, I swear, I swear I will rip your throat out you fucking pig. I will kill you if you ever hurt me with your drunken intent again. I don't care if I have to run or die to avoid the consequence. I just want this to be over. I don't want to have to live in this fear anymore, I don't want to keep living in this fucking nightmare that no one ever tries to save me from. I feel like I'm in hell. After what I did to Ann, all this bad shit started happening and even the good moments get torn apart by the evil that just stalks constantly behind me. My god, why am I alive for this? I knew I should have died. Please kill me. Please please please. I'm fucking sorry. I'm sorry, I would take every sin back if I could just end this already. I don't want to see him anymore. I don't want to breath if he isn't fucking dead.