27. That number is hard and when discussing it I feel ever fiber of my being tremble, the hair stands on my arms, as my voice gets shaky, even just writing this has tears rolling down my cheeks. If I hadn't learned how to control my breathing over the past several years, I'd hyperventilate. You see that number, 27 is the number of friends that I've buried the past 4 years. None of them were of natural causes. Most of them suicide in one way or another, and a few that are directly in line with the reason SFTS was started. Along with the fact that I have had 3 failed suicide attempts. You see, this is why every time Kirk asks if I'd go with him to share his story I go for support.
There's something about hearing and watching him relive that tragic day (that no parent should ever live to see) every single time he shares Ty's story, lmL. This is another reason being an empath is both a curse and a blessing. Hearing him not only makes me relive that last attempt and every emotion I went through leading up to it, but it also makes me so very grateful that it's not one of my friends going as support with one of my parents to speak. It's opened the door to a whole other perspective.
It's difficult seeing myself (back then) in so many of the faces in these crowds. So lost, helpless, broken, and dying inside. I feel all of those emotions in the purest of forms that I only felt a glimpse of before numbing them away. Following all of this I find a short serene moment when I see that light come on in so many of those kids eyes when they start to grasp that they're not alone and they find that first piece of hope. I love you both so dearly Kirk and Laura, and I support all that y'all are and what you do!
You see, I don't want pity, or for anyone reading this to feel sorry for me. This is a part of my life and why I'm not worried about living a life that people do not understand, nor will I ever apologize for being who I am now (in recovery). Time is the greatest teacher, and the one who eventually kills all of her students. -Hector Berlioz. So waste it wisely, but don't you dare take it for granted.
thank you for the quote.