Dealing with way too much anxiety right now. I hate this season. People are loud, often drunk and obnoxious. Instead of going to work they hang out in their backyards all day, drinking beer, shouting at each other and playing music at disrespectful volumes. There's always someone else at home. There's always some neighbour having a barbecue. I have nowhere to go, nowhere to hide from the noise, the people, the sensory input. I feel thin, translucent, frail. I can't study. I can't relax. The little things, like someone eating the last banana, that I was going to eat for breakfast because I always eat a banana for breakfast, it's routine, it's expected, its comfort in chaos - breaks me down.
"Have you taken your pills?". No. I have not taken any pills in weeks. I do not need those pills, I do just fine without them 99% of the time. And for once I'd like it if the remaining 1% didn't mean that I am the one that must change, that I am the one that must be medicated, numbed down and silenced. Maybe, just maybe, you could avoid taking that last banana. After all, for you it's "just a banana, jesus calm down". While for me it is - routine, expected, comfort. A feeling of much-needed safety. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Seven. I buy seven bananas each week. 365 bananas each year. Comfort. Chaos.
"Have you taken your pills?".
#psynlig #ångest #panikångest #anxiety #asd #autism #autistic #asperger #sensorysensitivity #sensoryoverload #add #adhd