when I weighed 57kg (I’m 1,81m, and weighed 16kg less than what I weigh now) and was #anorexic
I can’t even put into words what it’s like when this illness takes over, but I’ll try.
In these pictures I look quite happy (alcohol), but I was miserable. In my head I was continuously counting calories. I was never there in the present. When I was with my friends, I pretended to listen to them, but the reality was that I was always worrying about my next meal.
I was so underfed, I stopped to menstruate. My hair started to fall out. Due to a lack of vitamins in my diet, the muscles in my lower legs and feet started to fail. I couldn’t walk properly anymore, as I was unable to flex my feet.
Probably I developed this illness due to many factors. One of them was having a very traumatic childhood. Dieting simply was a tool to feel in control of my circumstances and unconciously I hoped that if I was thin, I would be seen and accepted.
Eight years ago, I sought help. It took many years to overcome my eating disorder though. For many years I replaced my obsession with my body and food for an alcohol dependence and use of other substances. Leading me to be #suicidal
Until... I became pregnant. I decided I wanted to keep my baby, but I knew something had to change. I quitted drinking, smoking and taking my antidepressants cold turkey. I wanted to proof to myself that I was strong enough and emotional stable enough, to have my baby.
Bringing Shaian into this world turned out to be the best descision I have ever taken! He has given my life purpose and meaning.
changed the way I look at my body. It helped me to appreciate what it’s capable off; growing a human being. I learned it needs love and nourishment 💜
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