Day 78: Listen, I've had the flu for such a long time but finally starting to feel better. In the midst of my flu, I ate whatever I wanted - in moderation and miraculously didn't pick up any weight. Been strict keto again since Monday and have already lost 3kg (6.6lb). Anyway, just as I was feeling human again I got my period and now I feel as though I am dying but whatever happens, I WILL NOT TOUCH CARBS AND SUGAR AGAIN UNTIL I REACH MY GOAL. My moment of weakness was spurred on by comfort eating after my husband landed in hospital. Yes yes, I know that's no excuse but hey, i am bouncing back and better than ever. Have a lovely rest of the week guys. And remember that you can always always always bounce back. I used to feel too guilty to start again but hey, every day is a new day and a little effort truly goes a long way ♥️♥️♥️
Self care is everything. 💅 (charcoal mask by Skin Republic)
OH while we're at it and I'm finally (kinda) putting my face up here, I may as well tell you guys a little more.
I am 29 years old from Cape Town, South Africa. I have chronic kidney disease - the same disease my mother died of at age 24. My kidney function is slowly deteriorating but I think I can actually reverse this with my diet or at least keep it stable. We'll see. I'm obese, I could list a few contributing factors but I'd rather not delve into the negative and focus on the here and now.
I started keto because I needed to make a drastic change. It's been helping thus far.
I am currently self employed, and have been married for 2 and a half years.
I don't want too give too much of myself away all at once as I am keeping my weightloss journey a secret, well kinda. I'm just laying low and not talking about it to anyone other than my husband and all of you wonderful, supportive internet humans. Keto family ftw!
This is something I just have to keep on believing. These past couple of months have been tough. My grandmother is terminally ill and has been in and out of hospital since March. She's suffering a lot and every day it breaks my heart. She's probably my favorite person in the world and I know I am her favorite grandchild too. My parents are also in the process of divorce and even though I no longer live with them, it's still devastating. My in laws are A LOT and not very understanding of what I'm going through. Thus there's a lot of pressure on my marriage and lots of times my husband and I say terrible things to each other. My health isn't in a good state either. I'm insulin resistant, my kidneys aren't working well and I suffer from hypertension, asthma, intense allergies/sinusitis and one of my hips are out of its sockets thus causing pain and uneasiness when I walk. I'm on chronic medication. My excess weight really makes my physical and mental health worse. It's like a vicious cycle and I have to keep reminding myself I can get through it. It hasn't been easy at all, but I have to keep on believing that it'll get better. That it'll be okay.
I decided that for my first goal of 90kg, I will get an eyebrow piercing. Just because I've always wanted one. And my journey is all about reclaiming ME and doing everything I always wanted to. It may seem lame or ridiculous but I need small things to look forward to and keep me going. 💪🏼
Sometimes all you can see is darkness in front of you. Darkness all around you. Sometimes, it's so dark you can't even see your own hand. I was told by my partner today that I make him want to die. He says he prays for death every day because even going to hell is better than being with me. I got my period today. It's the worst it's been in months and I am so lonely, cold with cramps, lacking affection and appreciation. I hosted a dinner party last night. Made lasagne. All my guests said it was amazing & the best lasagne they've ever had. Obviously my partner and his sister were the only two that thought it was average. In bed, while I was half asleep I tried holding his hand coz it's comforting. He shoo'd it away. Am I really that revolting as a person? Do I really deserve all this bullshit?
Anyway, after 10 days, today I wasn't strong. I ate carbs and I had sugar and I had coca cola.
I'm in my dark place again, the one where food comforts me because nothing and no one in the world can or does or cares. I'm so fucking lonely and I hate being alone.
Tomorrow I will try again. I disappointed in myself, but I'll try again. I promise.
I've been thinking about my goals and how I should set small ones to get to the great end goal. Never considered it before now, before seeing so many other inspirational women do it. My ULTIMATE GOAL WEIGHT is 55kg/12lb. That's less than half my weight now.😫😫😫
So.. My first goal weight is 99kg. I'd like to finally be under 100kg (that's 220lb) I know I'm a bit of a random mystery here but I am not confident enough to show my face yet. I've decided that my second goal is 89kg - finally under 90 yassss (198lb) and once I reach my second goal weight I will show my face, give this page a little more realness and confidence. I am going to try not to weigh myself until the 30th June - which will be my ONE MONTH WEIGH IN. Jumping on the scale all the time is going to make me obsessive and seeing little results is going to upset me. I'd rather just make conscious eating decisions, live lighter and feel better and not put so much emphasis on my actual weight. Again me and essays. Y'all are going to see a lot of that on this page haha. Ciao for now.
Keeping focus was very tough tonight. After quite a good day and feeling motivated, my significant other and I got into a huge fight. Hurtful things were said from both. Separation was brought up. All I wanted was to eat a massive slice of chocolate cake. I needed comfort and consoling and for a while, food - bad food- was the only place I found this. It was terribly hard. He went to sleep(at 9pm on a Friday night WHAT), and I sat alone in the kitchen. Trying to calm myself. Did I love this man? Do I love myself? Well I sure as hell want to more than anything. Since I'm going to a dinner party tomorrow evening, I decided to make dessert to take along. Raspberry Cheesecake with a Chocolate brownie base. And you know what? I didn't even try to lick the bowl or spoon. Not once. I had absolutely no desire to. Cheesecake and chocolate brownie are literally my favourite desserts. Anyway, that's how I know I'm stronger now than ever. I used to give in at the smallest hurdle. Now I'm smashing right through them. I am going to get to that damn finish line and NOTHING is going to stop me. It's almost 1am and I'm in bed, although my heart is sad, it's filled with so much love and hope. ♥️💜 Good Night World🌃