some people will never understand how much of a struggle life is when you have a mental illness. having this constant ball of anxiety and cloud of depression mixed with raining existential crises, living gets really fucking difficult. i cant begin to explain the weighted feeling i get when i think about literally anything. i think about college and how i’m only in it to move away from my parents, how it’s been 5 months and i still don’t have a job cuz i’m too god damn socially anxious to make a phone call to see if they’re hiring and if they got my application, how i lay in bed for 14 hours a day because i’m too depressed to move, how i feel like i’m never going to amount to anything, how i’m too depressed to write music (and that’s saying a lot because i live and breathe to make music), how i cant be alone with my thoughts for too long because i’ll start thinking of ways to hurt or kill myself, how literally existing in any given moment makes me want to never have existed at all, how i haven’t started seeing a therapist since i moved because after realizing i still need to see one (i stopped going when i moved because i thought i’d be okay) i’d have to call places and i’m too anxious to do that, how i can’t go to class or the store or literally anywhere in public without freaking out. my life is a mess right now and i’m too afraid to admit it in fear of being yelled at or forced to move back home. i’m so depressed that i cant get out of bed so i haven’t been taking my meds which is stupid because those help me so i should be taking them, but then i get mad because why do i have to take pills in the first place, why can’t my stupid brain just make the chemicals it’s supposed to. everything is a mess and i just want to ‘check out’ for a while, but i can’t because that’s not how time works. and dan and phil are sometimes the only thing that can make me laugh anymore, and i feel so alone, i have no friends and my mom says “make more friends!” as if it’s easy to just somehow form a bond instantly with strangers. i just can’t deal with all of this sometimes and i feel like i’m falling apart.