There's a book called Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. That book is the holy grail for understanding domestic abuse, so obviously, I've been reading it, for reasons that vacillate from personal to sociological. Somewhere in that book, is a line that states that it's a miracle that some men avoid being abusive, given the conditioning, both familial and pop -cultural, that entitles all men to such behaviour. ( Of course, "men" is a heteronormative stand-in for abuser, this book itself was written in the 90s and then revised from thereon. Also stats unfortunately put straight males at the top of the abuse food chain.) However, the book postulates, that men must not be inherently violent creatures. They must not be inherently controlling creatures. They must be nice. So, to parents of little boys, or boys who think they were poorly parented, I implore that you read that book, and in lieu of the effort, I implore that you remember that you are not supposed to control or discipline your partner, you're only supposed to be love them and be kind to them, and most importantly remember that they're your equal in this dynamic. Sounds basic yes, and yet surprisingly here we are, having this conversation still. .
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