Ihr dürft mich natürlich auch fragen. Wenn sich die Frage beantworten lässt 😅
1) Als ich das erste mal merkte das mit mir was nicht stimmt, war ich gerade 6 Monate bei der Bundeswehr in einer Ausbildung.
2) Ich habe diesen Job und die Uniform geliebt und habe mich nach der Ausbildung für 12 Jahre verpflichten wollen.
3) Ich unternahm 3 Suizidversuche in meinem ganzen Leben. Der erste war im Alter von 10/11 Jahren.
3-1) An den zweiten Versuch kann ich mich nicht mehr erinnern.
3-2) Der letzte Versuch war 2015. Alle wurden jedoch rechtzeitig Unterbunden, so das nie was ernsteres passierte.
4) Ich war 1 Woche vollstationär wegen eines Zusammenbruchs.
5) Geritzt habe ich mich ein einziges mal. Danach nie wieder.
6) Ich war 2x für 10 Wochen in Tagesklinischer Behandlung. Weiterhin hatte ich 5 Monate lang jede Woche Psychotherapie.
7) ich nahm für die ganze Zeit ein Antidepressiva... Venlafaxin.
8) Das schlimmste für mich war und ist, das ich meinen Traumberuf (Medizinischer Fachangestellter) nun nicht mehr weiterlernen und ausüben darf.
9) Trotz der "Verbote" bin ich weiterhin beim DRK ehrenamtlich aktiv. Ich bin seit 2009 dort und lasse mir es nicht nehmen.
10) Ich habe seit November 2017 eine eigene Wohnung und bin sehr stolz darauf.
3/3 The best thing I know to do is to surrender to it and feel it through. Feel through and live through this experience. There is no fighting it. Just becoming stronger, the feeling of gratitude when it’s all over.
It could come soon.
Please, come soon.
I’m emotionally exhausted. My senses wish to sleep. I wish not to feel anymore.
I see you. I acknowledge you. I feel you. And it is time for you to go now. I am not you. I am not depression or anxiety. I am a human vessel that embarks on the experience of depression. A blessing and a gift in some twisted form. To better understand. To attempt to describe. To learn from and to to grow. I have accepted that this is a part of my life. And if I must live with it from time to time, I feel I may as well do something with this. Help others understand, because it helps me understand. Why go through this if not do something with it? There must be something that can be done...
2 hours ago114
2/3 And that I will make it through next time because I know there will be one.
Why? For fuck sake I don’t fucking know. All I know is how to help it from not happening. When I’m fragile it is easier to come on.
So I do what I can to take care of myself and I better understand my triggers.
What to do and what not to do.
Right now, yah I could drink. Will it help? It will help me feel worse and fall deeper into this.
I get that it is hard to understand. I don’t expect for people to. Especially my loved ones.
That is what makes it all worse.
I feel like shit in every way and mostly for being such a piece of shit around people.
I want to hide and I want to cry and scream. At the same time I don’t know what the fuck I want.
It’s so fucking frustrating and unbearable at times and I just want it all to stop.
Make it stop and go away. For the sake of those around me and for the freedom of escaping this shit.
I witness real struggle and poverty around me yet I’m so wrapped up in my selfish shit that all I can think and feel is me. And I hate that. I hate it so much. What gives me the fucking right? I’m such a terrible human. I’m such a privileged little princess. Who the fuck do I think I am?
Why do I bother? Sometimes, I really wonder - why the fuck do I even bother? Get up in the morning?
Involve people in my life when all I do is this. Become this? It’s not fair and I feel like a loser.
And it just doesn’t make sense. I can never make sense of it. I feel like everything is happening and that I feel so amplified inside yet no words come out.
I can only sit silently and feel pain.
There is a lot of pain.
My body feels it.
My skin feels it.
My mind feels it.
And my heart feels it.
This, is what I want to stop.
All of the pain.
It just gets so intense that I just feel like failing at trying, attempting. I feel done.
As if I want to quit.
And it all comes on so suddenly.
I just can’t make sense of it.
I can’t make sense of it.
I have everything to say but I can’t seem to speak.
Eye contact is impossible. Why does that happen?
2 hours ago114
Sri Lanka proved to be one of the greatest teachers for me. I faced many challenges which lead to a humbling amplitude of gratitude. The moment we arrived I fell deep into a depressive episode. I never know exactly how or why they come when they do. The best is to write it out as it happens. To document, and to hopefully make sense of it for my self, and for my loved ones that bear witness. Following is a journal entry from my depressive state:
March 7, 2018 - on the train in Sri Lanka to Galle
It’s impossible to describe and it’s even more impossible to understand.
All you can do is just sit in it and let it happen.
Don’t stop breathing.
Remind yourself that everything is temporary and that you are blessed.
Blessed to feel this. Because you understand. You are a seldom few (actually a part of a larger whole) that will know what this is.
To feel the anxiety and panic so large that the depression seeps like black tar throughout your veins.
Everything is heightened and explaining oneself is an excruciating task.
You feel like shit for not being able to enjoy. For not being able to be present and share a memory that should be beautiful and wonderful.
Instead you fucking rob the joy out of every single moment and make those around you suffer as you feel the stinging tickle poke at every cell.
There is beauty around and you can’t enjoy it.
You are somewhere new, doing what you love and you can’t enjoy it.
You feel like, fuck this. Fuck me. Fuck me for even being here.
And I don’t know what to do. And I don’t know how to be. And I don’t know how to act. And I don’t know how to think. What to think. What to feel.
Except that all I can gather is just this. This agitating, annoying, out of body completely uncomfortable piece of shit feeling.
I feel like a piece of shit and it just happens. I can’t fucking say what or why it just is my realty sometimes and I know this of myself.
Knowing this doesn’t make it easier. Knowing that it does pass, I suppose that makes it easier. Not while it’s happening.
Knowing that I have made it through before and that I will make it through this time.
1. Hello everyone! how are you?😃
soon, in two days, will be the birthday of the most beautiful, unique and talented angel ... the birthday of our Chester Bennington! 😍💕you prepared gifts?😅😊 I cant think of anything 😒
2. yesterday I was tested for psychological health. it turned out that I have a deep depression 😶😐 i’m a loser in life!😜 I want to say, that you watch your health! be happy and love life😊🙏🏼❤️
I had a panic attack today. My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest, it was beating so fast. I fear it won’t slow down and it will just stop. I try to breathe slowly but I cry and I’m sobbing, causing me to take short difficult breaths. It lasted about 20 minutes and I was exhausted after. It literally drains my entire body and I hate it. I’ve learned so many techniques to help me through them but sometimes I can’t even think clearly to remember what to do. All the reassurance from my doctors goes out the window and I am sure I am going to die. I’m just waiting for something to happen at any moment. I wouldn’t wish this fear on my worst enemy.
This fear paralyzed me today and what’s worse is I let it control me, I let it fuck up my plans. And I sit at home regretting it. This vicious cycle won’t leave me alone. .
I can’t even talk to anyone. I’m uncomfortable 24/7. What the fuck am I supposed to do? I can’t do anything. Thinking about trying Xanax again, that helped a little bit I guess.. #fuckdepression#fuckanxiety