Wise words from a wise man.. my anthem since 5/5/13 just keep moving forward... #mlk #mlkday #iam1in4
Just when the caterpillar thought the world 🌏was over....it became a butterfly 💕. On your darker days, I hope you remember you have wings 🦋that will lift you UP. CARRY ON ♥️
I would have been 16 weeks today. We would have been finding out the gender of our baby soon. We would have been converting the guest room into the nursery. I could have had a baby bump by now. Every day is tough. The would haves, should haves, and could haves are the hardest part. Our baby may not be here on earth but I still love him or her just as much as if he or she was here. .
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the areas that AREN’T improving, I completely forget about the areas that ARE.
I’ve always equated my super broad shoulders and thick muscular thighs to mean I looked manly especially when I work out and that definition in my arms and shoulders begin to pop.
I didn’t realize how much work this actually takes. Freaking losing 80ish lbs is ephing hard. Replacing muscle instead of fat take hard work. What I didn’t realize until very recently was the body shaming I put myself through for so many years was NEVER going to get me to that “perfect” body i always wanted bc I was never going to be in a place of love and acceptance. And without that first, nothing you do on the outside will replace how you feel in the inside.
I’m learning I’m not alone in my body shaming attacks. And that’s comforting. But what I’ve TRULY FOUND INSPIRING is the women in my support & accountability group are making the effort to dig deep within themselves to finally find the love for their body while at the same time teaching their mind to respect it. I see them doing this by speaking kind words to themselves and to others. By working in a 20-30 minute workout routine into their life. By committing to learning how to eat better and by sharing all their trials and triumphs with one another.
Being surrounded by people who are cheering me on, by a community that has my back gives me more courage than I ever thought I could have. So today I’m celebrating how far I’ve come and loving myself in the here and now!!
I know if this has helped me it can certainly help you! If this speaks to you right now, send me a DM or drop an emoji below and I’d be happy to connect you with what I’m doing so we can cheer each other on together!
#selflovesoldier #bodyconfience #momcommunity
What a Weird spot to take a picture in my New #LAMFAM
sweatshirt, Right? But I probably look at this picture a little different than you do.
This spot that I am sitting has a MAJOR ROLE to play in my Journey.
Right here is where I got positive pregnancy tests, negative pregnancy tests, pregnancy tests that were once positive and I watched fade to negative. Right here is where I found out I had a baby in my belly but also where I lost many of my babies. I hate/love this spot right here. I’ve felt Excitement, Sorrow, Fear, Happiness, Sadness, YOU NAME IT I’ve FELT IT... RIGHT HERE!
So here is where I rep my New Merch. Here is where I say I WIN! Here is where the Journey Begun but Don’t be Fooled... WILL NOT END (no tub birth for me, I’m getting drugged at the hospital 🤣) And the next time you see me wearing this Sweatshirt I will be holding Ryan, smiling with Ryan, bathing Ryan, Walking outside with Ryan, Playing peek a boo with Ryan, LOVING on Ryan.
Where will you Rep your Merch?
At the doctors office? Taking a Pregnancy Test? On your way to a D&C? Heading to Labor and Delivery? During Maternity Photos? To your Rainbow Baby’s Soccer Game? Getting your Blood Drawn? During a Sonohysterogram? While you poke your tummy with a needle? When you Drive your rainbow home from the hospital? While you pop your Misoprostol?
Through the Good, The Bad, The Crazy... THE #LAMFAM
!!!!!!! **MERCH LINK in BIO**
#lifeaftermiscarriage #pregnancyloss #ttc #infertility #angelbabies #rainbowbaby #1in4 #momtobe #mumtobe #mommablogger #Iam1in4 #4miscarriages #pregnantafterloss #miscarriageawareness #fightforit #momtoangels
The pregnancy had been going well, my midwife appointment was booked and all was good. Then it wasn’t. I felt periody on the Friday all day but didn’t tell anyone. It’s normal I thought, everything stretching etc. Next day I had a very small amount of discharge 😱 I kept an eye on it as I knew even if it was going the wrong way there was nothing anyone could do. I tried to put it to the back of my mind & never told anyone. Then the next night I went to the toilet at my mums & there was bright red blood. I was devastated. I told my mum and she wanted me to stay at hers. I just wanted to go home, put my little one to bed & be alone, which is what I did. I put my little one to bed & had a bath. I then went to bed.
It was the longest most painful night.
I was having contractions (I knew from when I had my little one) I couldn’t get comfortable and was crying in pain. I curled over a pillow to support the pain in my tummy. Typically my littleone who’s a brilliant sleeper normally, woke several times during the night. It was tough going. The next day I felt rough and laid on the sofa with my toddler playing drs & nurses. I rang the midwife and was given an appointment to go to EPAU the following afternoon. The next day I was cramping on & off, but passed myself up to go to my daughters toddler group. No one had any idea! I just said I had a virus to explain why I looked rough. That afternoon I went to have my scan. I went in alone & knew what was coming. I was told it looked like I was about to miscarry & that I needed my bloods taking to measure my hcg levels & to have them repeated in 48 hours. They also told me to cancel my midwife appointment for the following day. I was sent off with no leaflets, info or anything.
We came home and it was still Halloween for my little one & that meant doing our pumpkin! I was on autopilot I think. That night I was cramping through the night & the following morning (Halloween) as I got up to get my little one out of bed , I felt something come away from me. It was my baby. I’d miscarried 💔
I had no choice to carry on as I have a toddler. Probably for the best. [cont in comments]
So following my early miscarriage in August, my donor & I tried again for cycle 3. Big fat BFN. So we tried again for cycle 4. We only got 2 attempts and one I was sure was too early and the other was the day after I’d ovulated! I wasn’t even going to bother as knew it was pointless, but he said it was worth a go & that I’d regret it if ovulation turned up late. I refused to symptom spot or test early, now that I knew about chemical pregnancies. It was the best thing to do! I had a rough idea of when my period would be within a day or 2 depending on if my cycle was 23, 24 or 25 days long.
The day my period was due I took my little girl to the zoo with my mum. I was a tiny bit suspicious as I had lower backache, but that was it. My only symptom. Next morning I saved a sample to do a test if my period hadn’t shown by mid morning. I went to my daughters toddler group where a good friend who had started ttc just before me & has PCOS had just found out she was pregnant a few weeks before me. He little girl was a bit sick and it made me gag!!! This had never happened before! If worked with babies and toddlers for over 20 years and had a strong stomach! So I decided to test when I got home. I was surprised to see a positive! I was pregnant!! I was going to give my little one the sibling I dreamed of ❤️
I showed my mum my test and she was so pleased for me. It was at that point I told her that I had actually suffered an early loss in the August.
Next day I saw my sister & told her. She cried she was so happy for me. She was so happy for my little one saying what a great big sister she’ll be 😍 I felt ok over the next few weeks, some nausea but nothing too much. Symptoms with my little one didn’t really start till I was 7-8 weeks so no reason to worry........
#ttc #ttccommunity #ttcsisters #ttcaftermiscarriage #pregnantafterloss #pregnantat42 #pregnantafter40 #pregnancyaftermiscarriage #pregnancyafterloss #bfp #rainbowbaby #smbc #babynumber2 #ttcnumber2 #solomum #solomumbychoice #donor #spermdonor #donorconcieved #cyclenumber4 #iam1in4
Go back last 4 months no way I'd take a pic like this or worse post a photo like this ... or even be at the beach.
And the beach is my bliss, my haven, my happy place.
So what happened??? A bump happened. It hurt. It hurt like hell.
Life does sometimes.
I chose to punish myself for things beyond my control, instead of being kind to myself.
I have missed so much life in the last 6 months.. being consumed by grief and anger and self loathing.
Only 3 kgs on the scales so not weight related.
Its my mindset.
My amazing brain. It switched. It flipped.
And ta-dah... the joy is returning.
Is my life perfect...lmfao...fuck no!! But I focus on the parts that are instead of dwelling on whats wrong.
I look at this pic and see someone with a long way to go but so far from where she was. ❤
#nevergiveup #becsjourney #iam1in4 #pregnancyloss #selflove #bekind #mindset #workforit #strongmindstrongbody #getmybodyback #wantmyabsback #weightloss #gratitude #slayinggoals #goldcoastsummer #beachlife #changes #authenticme
Starting my first FULL week of being back to work, after at the end of my 2nd day having a breakdown at how new it all felt and almost wanting to quit.
I didn’t know how new and scary it would be after 10 months of maternity leave without a baby 🖤
For some mothers, returning to their jobs holds many memories of those final weeks before starting their #motherhood
journey. I remember it all to well. But for others and me, perhaps is all a bit too much and simply wouldn’t cope with the flood of questions and people asking ‘How’s the baby?’ when the outcome wasn’t what you expected.
I love remembering about my boy and starting a new chapter seemed the right thing to do when I know to well that behind a smile, I would be dreading on the inside.
Wishing everyone a positive start of the week and hoping I can get through this struggling phase of adjusting to my “new” reality 🙏🏽
#backtowork #bereavedmother #lifeafterloss #iam1in4 #stillamother #stillparents #stillbirth #stillbirthawareness #stillborn #bornbutstillborn #grief #loss #babyloss #babylossawareness #alwaysinmyheart #alwaysremembered
I went searching for love at a very young age and unfortunately I was left being a single mother by the time my son was 2. I wasn’t even 18 yet & he left me with absolutely nothing. I’m so blessed for the family I have that took me in and gave me a chance . I luckily got to live with my best friend again for a couple years , sissy I love you so much . Unconditional help from my late dearest nana. No matter what she was always there for us. Motherhood hasn’t been easy for me. So many emotions on some days I can’t handle it. #Iam1in4
so that doesn’t help with. It’s taken a long time to cope with my loss . PPD is a real thing and unfortunately losing my nana put me in a hard state. I am working on myself because they push me everyday to want to be better. Anyway if you took the time to read this, Thank you. I’m always an open ear for anyone that wants to chat :) #iam1in4 #rainbowhead #Cbabies #myleobabyboy #myvirgoprincess #blessed #princesslovesdisney #inlovewithaleo
This wasn’t the first time I got a positive pregnancy test... .
•It was pretty bittersweet sharing our news yesterday knowing it was the “due date” of our first bean we lost last May. One day I saw “pregnant” and a short week later I saw “not pregnant”. It was one of the most difficult things we had been through as a couple. .
•However, in the last 24 hours we have been shown so much love and shared excitement on our announcement about this sweet little baby. And for that I am so grateful. We can’t wait to look into our sweet little rainbow baby’s eyes in July.🌈🌈
I wish I could take the downpour away that hits us at times. ⠀
I wish I could take the sadness, the hurt, the waiting, the disappointment, and the longing away. ⠀
Even though I can’t take it away or stop it from coming; I HOPE you all KNOW I’m here to walk with you through it. ⠀
I will walk through it all and hold your hand through it all; if you need and want me too. ❤️⠀
My day late #saturdaystrength
post is this. ⠀
I hope you know you are NEVER ALONE in this journey. If you ever feel like you have no one to turn to that understands; PLEASE turn to me! ⠀
I will hold you up till you are strong again. I will carry you till you can walk again. I will be there for you in anyway you need. Those of you who have reached out can testify of this truth. I care so deeply and never want any of you to feel alone. 🌻🌻⠀
My second cycle ttc Baby number 2. It got to the day that my period was due & then past it. I waited a couple more days to test as I was wanting to get my bfp on what would have been my dad’s birthday.
I had been feeling that familiar nausea feeling and it was far worse when in the car!
My donor had been messaging asking me to do a test, so I did. Sure enough there was a faint second line, but it worried me how faint it was. I then had a tiny bit of brown spotting on & off. Nothing much, but as I never spot before my period I knew it was either old blood delayed from implantation or the start of an early miscarriage. I told my donor & he said he was really sorry my body was playing tricks on me.
I told no one else and the spotting & faint tests continued for 3 more days & then sure enough I gradually began to bleed more & no mistaking what was happening. I saw one of my friends on my little ones birth board post something about having a chemical pregnancy. Something I’d never heard of. I looked it up & it’s the term used for an early miscarriage before 6 weeks pregnant. It’s supposedly called that because although you have a positive pregnancy test, nothing would show up on a scan before then & these don’t get counted when having ‘recurrent miscarriage’ 💔 I was just short of being 6 weeks pregnant.
I told no one other than my donor and put it down to bad luck & that it’s highly unlikely to happen again.........I was so wrong 💔
#ttc #tryingtoconceive #ttccommunity #ttcsisters #ttcsupport #miscarriage #iam1in4 #chemicalpregnancy #bfp #bfn #spotting #solomum #smbc #singlemumbychoice #spermdonor #donorconcievedbaby
Let’s not let the bitterness of infertility win, choose joy. The newest blog post is UP, click the link in bio. (Bitterness can be caused by many factors take a peek at the post it may relate to you too)
Feeling incredibly fortunate and loved after yesterday’s celebrations. It was a blast and the fact that we have very few photos shows how much we just enjoyed ourselves in the moment amongst good friends and great company. Our kiddos could not ask for a more supportive community! ♥️♥️♥️
Sadly, this short story by Ernest Hemingway is a reality for many of us 💔 but we are not alone, together we support eachother by remembering our beautiful babies. We talk about them, light candles in memory of them and speak their names proudly. We do this to honour our little ones & all the hopes & dreams we had for those tiny shoes that were never worn ✨
#babylosssupport #saytheirname #iam1in4 #motherofangels #stillbirth #miscarriage
To the mama who’s folded up in sorrow grieving and broken, empty and aching. I see you. I know you. I am you.
It’s closing in on a decade since my first of 5 miscarriages, and I wept tonight again for them all and for you. #iam1in4 #pregnancyandinfantloss #mydarkestdays
Updated reflection as of Jan 18, 2019
My name is Natalie Kiethley. I once did a story almost 3 years ago on the death of my first born baby girl, Kimber Catherine Bishop. So before I begin, I would like your time to give you the complete background and understanding of my story. This will possibly be a heart drenched, tear jerking story .
I was 18 and almost a full year out of high school, working at the Dollar General making minimum wage. Kimber’s father and I never even had a thought of having a baby, but shortly after, I got pregnant in March of 2016. Living with his parents, barely making money at our jobs, we were scared beyond belief. But of course all that faded and became so real that we were going to be parents! I worked as many hours as I could possibly get in a weeks time to get pampers, wipes and everything she needed. Every doctors appointment was perfect, she always looked healthy and growing on the right track. Until the last few doctors appointments we had. At my 37 week checkup, the doctor suggested I get the flu shot due to her due date being in December and it would protect the both of us! So he said.. As a first time mother, not knowing any better, I agreed because at that time, I thought it was perfectly fine. That was on a Monday. Two days later, I stopped feeling her kicks and rolling around. Wednesday, December 13, 2016 at 5:00am, I felt the weirdest, strangest kick. Little did I know, that was her last. As days went on, we still had absolutely no signs of movements. I was awake for 2 straight days, just hoping and praying that the worst thing in life could happen, has actually happened to me. My worst nightmare became reality. Saturday morning around 8:00am Kimbers grandmother took me to Labor and Delivery at Gordon Hospital. There, I laid in that blue gown, looking at an ultrasound screen of my daughter... lifeless. Tears fell endlessly down my face. I could feel my heart shattering into pieces. Calling my family to let them know that their 2nd granddaughter has passed on, was like swallowing nails. They started to induce me a few hours later.
Continued in comments...
G R I E V I N G 🌊
This is Lamby, he now comes with us everywhere we go. Just after Charlie was born the nurse showed his daddy some teddy bears to choose from and gave us a memory box. Lamby is what he chose and he is perfect. His long dangling legs remind me of how long Charlie's were and how big his feet were. The first time we laughed after Charlie was born was when we saw his feet for the first time. They were huge!! That kid was going to be tall just like his Mama and Papa. I'm so thankful for Lamby and the other loss parents who kindly donated him. I sleep with him every night and it's lovely to have something so close to me to hold, that also touched our sweet boy. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
To all the other parents holding teddy's and not babies. I see you. I feel your pain and I'm so sorry you too have a huge piece of your heart missing 💙
When you are plodding along trying to keep it together then boom... one little thing crops up and rips your heart out again. Today was not a good day. Today my heart aches more than usual and the tears fall freely. I am grateful for all I have but I physically hurt for all that I’ve lost. My babies are in heaven when they should be here with us. You never get over it. You learn how to live with the pain. Some days are ok others are unbearable. Why does society think that it’s ok to ignore miscarriages? To let women cope alone, when they are at their most vulnerable and in the most pain they have ever had to endure both physically and emotionally? It wasn’t a baby, it was just cells, at least you can get pregnant, be grateful it happened in the first trimester! These are just some of the platitudes I have heard. But from the moment that test turns positive there is a baby, you dream and plan for the newborn you will bring home and nurture, you dream of what and who they will be, you look at all the baby clothes in the stores and hope and pray for the day you can buy some of it. It doesn’t matter if you lose that little soul at 6 weeks, 10 weeks or 20 weeks, their little life doesn’t get recognition. We are treated as though we have a medical condition but no emotions. I have miscarried at 5, 6, 9 and 11 weeks. I have miscarried naturally and had surgery yet no matter what gestational or process I have been through I have never been treated like a grieving mother. I have been pregnant 9 times but I have only brought 2 of those babies home from hospital. They matter too !
#miscarriageawareness #theymatter #babyloss #iam1in4 #griefandloss #miscarriageawareness #mentalhealth #supporteachother
This has to be the sweetest gift ever. My mom’s best friend made us a quilt for our nursery. All the feelings. ♥️ #fostercare #fosterparents