Sometimes I think that when people who don’t know me look at me, they think maybe I’m playing the system, maybe I’m lying or exaggerating, maybe I just like to get high...
But the thing is, I am ill. I have labs, X-rays and MRI’s to prove it. And honestly, my biggest problem, is pretending I’m better or more capable than I am. Lastly, I hate medicating. If I’m being honest, it’s true. I don’t like taking any medication. Taking my pills every night before bed is the worst part of my day. I don’t enjoy the act of smoking. I used to, but honestly, it’s so much work. I made a mention to this effect the other day, and I really can’t stress how true that is. Smoking is such a process.
Being chronically ill is exhausting. Normal tasks aren’t as simple as they once were. Needing to depending on anything is hell, but it’s worse when you need it to function. Sure, I could just STOP taking my medications and stop smoking, but it would only be a matter of time before my limited function and mobility is completely gone.
Which, personally I think adds a whole other layer to my growing resentment towards medicating... I’m ill, and I am ALWAYS going to depend on some form of medication for my various medical conditions. It’s not like I suffer from just one thing and there’s hope for the possibility of recovery. I suffer from several autoimmune diseases and some mental health and trauma stuff... this is my life.
The only thing cannabis has going for it that makes me not resent it like I do my pharmaceutical drugs, cannabis gave me some quality of life. Even if I have to work at it, at least with cannabis I can think and I can get up out of bed for a bit and function at least enough to give people the idea that maybe I’m not so sick... whereas before cannabis I was nearly completely bedridden with multiple caseworkers, unable to drive or even keep my own medical appointments. So, as bad as I feel now and as bad as things seem, really in comparison to 5 years ago, they’re so much better then they were.
I guess I’ve got a love hate relationship with cannabis right now. But it’s mostly love and 100% gratitude.
#LaceyProject #njmmp #njwomenofcannabis