Being alone is something I usually am addicted to. Other people send my anxiety in meltdown: am I talking enough? Am I talking too much? Do I look interested enough? I hope I'm not staring? Is that OK to say? Is it too late to say it?
Whilst close friends and some family members are easier to be around, mostly I feel anxious and unable to cope with people. Add in a group and I'm officially clocking out. Groups of strangers and I'm officially having a meltdown. This has been this way for most of my life. I used to force myself into social situations. Now I keep myself company. Content that I can't say the wrong thing when I'm alone. But whilst I enjoy being alone, it's true that I'm human, surprisingly, and that I sometimes feel lonely. It's not as simple as needing company. It's the type of company I need that makes it difficult to cure. I need people who feel like home. I find the feeling of home in many places and many people. It is not a house for me but a feeling. So when I struggle with this, I struggle with the conflict between wanting company and not wanting to feel anxious around strangers. Therefore, I am faced with a powerful feeling I cannot describe and find difficult to escape from. Those people and places that feel like home are what I miss but my life choices mean that I have to fight this feeling alone because those things aren't always around to console me. I know that's my choice but that choice is a complex weave of so many different factors and doesn't mean that the decision to live in a different continent was done with a blind belief that every day would be happy.
Bali is beautiful and I'm so lucky to be here. But today, today wasn't easy. I know the beauty of happiness is that we experience it on occasion rather than consistently. For it wouldn't be enjoyable if we didn't have the other emotions to compare it to. But loneliness in paradise doesn't make the feeling any less difficult. 🙏🏼
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