*MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS POST - TRIGGER WARNING: ANOREXIA*
Aug 2016 v Sep 2018.
My struggles w/ an eating disorder began when I was 9-10, until the age of 18. It emerged out of a place of pain/fear, & as a self-acquired yet very maladaptive coping mechanism. I missed out on the joys of food, growth, development & physical maturity for more than half of my life to this disease. It consumed me & left me broken and in a dire, precarious state of health. I was riddled w/ delusions about my appearance(body dysmorphia) & I was obsessed w/ losing weight, even when I was only 72 lbs at my lowest.
The first picture was taken 2 yrs ago, in the wake of the worst episode I had. I was 75 pounds. My intake was about 200-400 calories/day. I had just gotten out of the ER, after being in for constant chest pain, chronic low blood pressure, dizziness & severe dehydration. I was so malnurished that they had to give me IV infusions every week at home, & I could barely muster the strength to stand up & go to the bathroom w/o feeling like I would collapse. My veins had sunken in so much so that they could barely extract blood or inject fluids, my heart rate was always abnormally high & I was starving myself to fading point. I remember looking at a 100 calorie pack of juice and thinking "this is terrifyingly excessive", so it took me about a week to finish it. Yet an anorexic mind is depraved, deluded & compulsive. I still wasn't "skinny enough", I still obsessed over losing weight.
Come December 2016, after I unwittingly pushed family to breaking point because of the distress & fear of losing me, I checked into Toronto General's inpatient ED facility. Those were the 6 most gruelling, trepid weeks of my life, but also the most rewarding/crucial. I still went on to struggle with body image & such, but I was getting stronger everyday. Now, I'm healthy, body positive & feel so much better. I have NO food rules (besides ethical). If I can do this, ANYONE CAN. Of course, none of this would be possible w/o my amazing family, friends & team of doctors/therapists. YOU CAN RECOVER. You are worth the fight, worth gaining back strength. Reach out. Be kind to yourself. I'm here for you all 🖤