This topic is an extremely sensitive one. I'll specifically speak from my own experiences with it. And the hardships us women and even men in my community face when it comes to pregnancy.
For some reason pregnancy is something that is just automatically suppose to come after marriage. No idea who created such a rule or why such a rule exists.
I remember being newly married and the first thing people started doing instead of greeting me was look right at my belly. Then when they noticed I was not pregnant the look of confusion following "oh you're not pregnant yet" would be their conversation starter.
I will never forget when just after 3 months of marriage church service ended and a member in the church who saw me yelled at the top of her lungs in front of everyone saying "BARBARA YOU'RE STILL NOT PREGNANT YET. WHEN WILL YOU GET PREGNANT? YOU'RE TAKING TOO LONG." ________________________________
I remember standing their speechless because I could not believe someone could ask and act in such a way. My husband however, came to my rescue and respectfully told her everyone has plans and it's God who gives children.
What made me so sad is what if I was really trying and had no success? What if I found out I could not conceive naturally? What if I just went through an unsuccessful expensive fertility procedure? What if I just recently miscarried? Do you know how all of these accounts affect women and men who are journeying this together?
I always made sure I prayed for my future children regardless of when we decided to prepare. When God said it was my time, that was and the only timeline I followed through with and no one else's.
Dont ever let anyone force their pregnancy timeline on you! Don't ever let anyone make you feel less of a woman or man because to them you're "taking too long." If pregnancy is something that you seek and whatever method you have to go through take it to the Lord in prayer. For it is he who provides.
Photography by @mennydc5
Today marks one week since we found out our baby was no longer with us (and we should be switching over to week 10 of pregnancy today as well). Every single day has been painful.
Before I had a miscarriage, I never understood the depth of grief that can come with the loss.
I also thought that I had mentally prepared myself to handle it, if it ever did happen to me. With this pregnancy, I had a bad feeling, but I kept pushing it away, convinced it wouldn’t happen to us.
I was wrong on both accounts.
I wasn’t mentally prepared (and I don’t think you ever can be) and it did happen to me.
And the thing I’m quickly learning is that I will NEVER be the same person again. For the rest of my life, I’ll remember my baby and I’ll miss them, even though I never got to meet them. One day, it may hurt a little less, but it’ll always be there.
If you have experienced a loss like this, know that I’m sending you all the love and positivity I possibly can.
You’re not alone. ♥️ Read more about my story by clicking the link in my bio.
#ihadamiscarriage #pregnancyloss #1in4 #miscarriageawareness #mommyblog #momblog #mommyblogger #motherhood #momlife #loss #grief #miscarriage #pregnancy
Fine is how I answer “how are you” the last two months. I don’t need to lie to make you feel better, I’m not good. I am still however doing my best to spare your feelings. I could say “not well” or “sad” or “angry” or “lonely” or “guilty for being okay today”. Its funny how most of the time that’s just a pleasantry. No one asks if you need to talk or if you need anything. Even the people who know what you’re going through. So for everyone answering fine - do you need to talk? Is there anything I can do? #miscarriage #miscarriageawareness #miscarriagesupport #ihadamiscarriage
My heart has been extra heavy this pregnancy. For many many reasons but the main reason is feeling guilty for struggling to want to be pregnant so soon after my last babe. My heart aches for women who long to be pregnant and who pray for another healthy babe. I feel so much for those struggling with infertility and loss. We have never struggled to get pregnant and I cannot imagine that kind of pain. I have said this is my fourth pregnancy in four years and that is not true. I had a miscarriage after our first baby. This is in fact my 5th pregnancy in four years which has taken its toll on my body and mind. Since my miscarriage every pregnancy since has been almost terrifying because I’m so scared I’m going to lose the baby. I can’t imagine having multiple losses and the pain and fear that brings. I never ever want to sound ungrateful for being pregnant because I know in my heart that this is an incredible blessing. Praying for all you mamas who are struggling, for your wombs to be be full of life ♥️
We retrieved thirteen eggs!
I had mentioned, my Dr kept my protocol conservative given my age, freshly 31, an adequate ovarian reserve, amh and no exact diagnosis contributing to our past miscarriages. We had a modest number of follicles at the last scan. While getting prepped for surgery, he came in and explained he expects about 10-12 eggs to be retrieved. So to hear the news that we got 13, was an amazing feeling!
Our retrieval day was the 22nd, 22 is my husband and I’s favorite number and we have so much history with it. Individually it was a favorite number for both of us before we even met, his high school football jersey number was 22, our anniversary is the 22nd... So on this day, I woke up and felt more hope and excitement than fear. I felt so much at peace going into the clinic and my procedure. The nurse commented that I looked so calm and that she really liked my positivity. I tell myself that I have done everything that I can, in my control, and that reality is that it is all in God’s hands. He has led us to this day and I’ve started to see a glimmer of the purpose of our struggle, our heartbreak, losses and grief. I pray that he sees this through and brings us our miracle rainbow baby.
I wanted to take the time to soak it all in from yesterday, with my hubby and rest as I was feeling good, but tired. I also wanted to wait until we got the day after report. I just got the call and beyond happy and relieved to say that we got the best outcome we have prayed so hard for....
Out of 13 eggs retrieved...
All 13 were mature and FERTILIZED!!!!!!! Praise God, hallelujah 🙌🏼
And now the real waiting begins as we anxiously wait for them to grow and for the PGT results. TWW has got nothing on a TMW (three month wait) until we start prepping for our FET. 😆
Until then, I need to stay busy!
shared this verse with me yesterday.....
“Let this hope burst forth within you, releasing a continual joy. Don’t give up in a time of trouble, but commune with God at all times.” Romans 12:12 TPT
💧Speak - Life in Plastic
Speak. Silence is King around here, silence is key. To survive, you said. Everything must be okay. But what about living, one day ?
So, Speak. But when you did, the world blew up in your face. You felt like you lost everything when they chose not to believe you. So, here comes the silence.
You took a plastic skin and you glued it to yours, both protection and smooth illusion, supposed to make everything okay, supposed to reassure everyone: you were not a ball of inconvenient shitty things anymore. As if you were whole again. Back into the world.
And you are just realizing now that the only thing that silence did was smother you. Isolate you, even more than before. Deprive you of a real place in the world. Always on the edges. You became a ghost of your own.
And there is so much that you dont know how to tell.
That you’re still mourning the loss of someone you've never met. Besides a few heartbeats.Talk about the dissociation of the mind under violence. About what you see when looking at your body. Flashbacks, a taste of panic. Chronic pains with strange names. About not being able to move or leave your flat in days, days being nights. About the feeling of sometimes completely disappearing. When everybody is sleeping, or working and silence is reigning. Feeling of not having a place, anywhere anymore.
But, you realize, its your job too. Your responsibility. They took it away at some point, your voice, but you let it stay buried. Afraid of losing any more of what was left. And so you lost yourself instead.
The plastic skin is slowly cracking. I’m choosing to destroy it.
Choosing to try, and maybe fail, to face the ghosts.
And find the voice, of a girl that used to be.
#cptsd #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness
#endthestigma #bpd #endabuse #chronicillnessawareness #endometriosis #chronicpain #miscarriage #femalebody #womenempowerment #visualartist
*SENSITIVE POST* (part 2/2)
I called my doctor the next day and relayed the good news. She wanted me to come in for a blood test to confirm the pregnancy and to talk about the bleeding. I had heard that bleeding in early pregnancy was normal so I didn’t think much of it. I was too excited. The blood test confirmed I was pregnant but also that my HCG levels were too low. My doctor explained that I was having an early miscarriage, what she called a ‘chemical pregnancy’. I didn’t need a D&C because I was only about 4-5 weeks along. I was in complete shock. I was still on a high from learning I was pregnant and then was hit with the news that I wasn’t. I didn’t know what to do with this information or how to process it, so I just went to work. The bleeding got heavier and extremely painful. I was miscarrying while sitting at my desk at the office. Eventually I went home that afternoon, and the rest of the week was a complete blur. During that time, I remember being in the kitchen making dinner and feeling a huge rush down there - I ran to the bathroom expecting to have leaked everywhere but to my surprise, it hadn't. I use a menstrual cup, and when I removed it, I saw a huge clump of tissue floating at the top. I don’t know why, but I fished it out and held it in my hand, almost dissecting it like in a chemistry lab. Turns out that I was holding what was left of the pregnancy in my hands. My husband didn’t want to see it. I cried, and sat there for what felt like ages. Then, I realized that I had to do something with it. ‘Do I flush it?’ ‘how can I flush this?’ ‘am I supposed to say a prayer?’ I made my decision and let it go. It was traumatizing and still haunts me, but I don’t regret holding it. I realized I did that because I needed something tangible - to confirm that I was in fact pregnant with our baby and that it was real. Not ‘just a bunch of cells’, which is what others would try to say in consolation. Over a year later now, and the moment is still as clear as if it happened yesterday. #infertility #ivf #ttc #fertility #ivfjourney #ttccommunity #pregnancy #infertilityawareness #ttcjourney #ttcsisters #miscarriage #infertilitysupport #ivfsupport #iui #ivfsuc
Snacks this afternoon 6 syns of Oreo thins & fruit.
*SENSITIVE POST* (part 1/2)
December 5th, 2017 was 7 weeks after our wedding. It was also the day I found out I was pregnant. I had just returned from a business trip, completely oblivious to the fact that I was pregnant, and began to feel strong pain in my breasts. I even remember placing my hand to my chest while having lunch with colleagues in our boardroom (forgetting for a second that I was not alone in my office...oops) and being asked if I was ok, to which I responded ‘yeah, just have this weird pain’ to which they responded ‘maybe you’re pregnant!’ jokingly, and I laughed too, because it wasn’t even something I’d considered given my husband and I had just gotten married not even 2 months earlier, and we weren’t trying. .
At home that night I told my husband about the pain and jokingly said maybe I should take a pregnancy test for fun. I had one lying around, so I went into the bathroom thinking to myself ‘this is a waste of a test..it’s night time and you’re supposed to do this in the morning, and you had a period exactly a month ago..there’s no way you’re pregnant’. But I peed on the stick anyway. I wasn’t glued to the stick waiting with my heart pounding (as I do now) because I wasn’t expecting anything to show up. Then I looked at it and staring back at me were two clear pink lines. I screamed and my husband came running. My mind ran wild with thoughts like ‘omg, we’re going to have to move!’ (We were in a 1 bedroom apt at the time) and ‘how am I going to deal with telling work in a few weeks?’ and ‘this is a dream come true - can’t wait to tell our friends and family!’ and ‘wow, I guess we’re really fertile!’ (ha!) We were totally taken by surprise and completely elated. And then I started bleeding...almost immediately. See next post... #infertility #ivf #ttc #fertility #ivfjourney #infertilitysucks #ttccommunity #pregnancy #infertilityawareness #ttcjourney #ttcsisters #miscarriage #infertilitysupport #ivfsupport #iui #ttcsupport #ivfsuccess #baby #infertilityjourney #fertilityjourney #ivfcommunity #infertilitywarrior #womenshealth
TRIGGER WARNING MISCARRIAGE
Skinny doesn't mean healthy. When I was skinny because of my miscarriage complications my weight plummeted from a size 16 (UK size) to a size 4 in the space of a few days, I was losing 2kg+ minimum of weight every 6hours (doctors weighed me every six hours to monitor weight loss) I was weak, I was getting through 10sick bowls an hour, I was on countless injections in my arms, shoulders and stomach to try to stop the vomiting and weight loss, my organs were taking the brunt of the weight loss so I had to be hooked up to a machine to take the strain off my organs, I had dozens of blood tests, all my bodily waste vomit/urine/ etc had to be collected in a bowl and screened for signs of organ failure and even after being discharged from hospital I had to walk with walking sticks to support myself so I wouldn't collapse as they'd slowed the weight loss but I was weak physically from it. I wasn't lucky to be skinny I was lucky to have survived #triggerwarning #misconceptions #weightloss #miscarriage #miscarriageawareness #pregnancyloss #pregnancylossawareness #skinnyisnotthegoal #skinnyisnthealthy
Do not underestimate the "small steps." They all count and they all are getting you closer... Be determined. Stay the course. www.fallopiantubeformula.com
A week ago I escaped my busy schedule in exchange for a luxury countryside retreat @brahmanhills
, this week as I prepare to say goodbye to my aunt who passed away this week, I appreciate my little getaway even more. It reset my mind and allowed me to think clearly. This week marks 10 years since I delivered my sleeping baby, followed by surgically removing my gallbladder and having to go through a D & C all in the same day, I was 24 and it left me traumatised. It made me question all my beliefs and it broke my heart into a million pieces. That week the person I was along with my baby died together. I had to teach myself to feel again. I became guarded with everyone. I learnt to keep my personal life private and not to silently celebrate milestones that are sentimental to me. I learnt how to forgive myself and understand that I am not in control of this life. It is my duty to make sure I appreciate every moment of life that I have and get to share with those I love. Do not take a minute for granted. Breathe deeper, love stronger and let go of pettiness because honestly it really does not matter in the greater scheme of things. #raisingdurbs
I spoke with the pathologist today who went over my pathology from my D&C on January 11.
She said she had looked at my sample several times and she could not find anything wrong. I asked about inflammation and she told me the sample was exceptionally clean and had no inflammation. Less than she expected. I said I was on Prednisone and she said that could explain that. I asked about clots and she said no clots. I asked about infection and she said no indication of infection. We also discussed how my biopsy for chronic endometritis had come back negative before the transfer, indicating I didn’t have an infection.
I then asked about the cause of death and she said that she didn’t see any fetal tissue to look at. I mentioned that we had sent the sample to #Natera
testing and she said that would not tell us why the baby passed, just if it was chromosomally normal. I asked if she would be able to examine the tissue when it returned from Natera, but she confirmed with them that only placental tissue was sent. This means that even though the baby was 9w1d and theoretically the size of a pecan, that somehow no one had the baby. I’m honestly so confused because I don’t know how something that large can be missing. They are saying they can not determine a cause of death at this time and that everything was normal. I am very frustrated. Everyone is continuing to blame Chromosomal abnormalities and I know deep down that it was probably normal. When the Anora results are back this should clear it up.
#PGStesting #IVFwithPGS #miscarriagewithpgsnormal #pgs #preimplantationgeneticscreening #fet #frozenembryotransfer #miscarriage #recurrentloss #recurrentpregnancyloss #rpl #pregnancyloss #loss #pregnancy #9weekloss #ttc #ttcjourney #ivfjourney #ttcwithautoimmune #ivf #pcos #pcosttc #pcospregnancy #pcosmiscarriage
As the due date of Roo draws closer it becomes harder to cope with the fact that in 1 month and 11 days Roo should be born, but instead I’ve got an angel.
Roo came into my life at a time when I had lost all hope, was at rock bottom and wanted to die, Roo saved my life the day I found out I was pregnant
So I decided to get a necklace and get it engraved with my angels name and due date.
#miscarriage #miscarriageawareness #duedate #babe #angel #baby #march2019 #2019 #angelwings
“When I started thinking about the word or phrase that represents our journey, what came to mind was the word “warrior.” When we lost our first baby, Ellis, at 14 weeks and I shared his story, someone commented on that post calling me a warrior. There was something about that word that made me feel strong in a time when I felt so weak- like I had failed as a mother because I couldn’t keep my baby alive. And over the course of losing three more babies, I have only come to realize more and more the strength it takes to go through miscarriage. It takes a warrior to carry a baby in your womb for any amount of time and then have to say goodbye to that baby. But those of us who have walked through miscarriages are not the only warriors. ⠀
The people who come alongside us in our grief to support us are warriors. The couples who long for a child, but have to endure negative pregnancy tests month after month are warriors. The parents bringing little ones into this world and raising them to be good humans are warriors. The parents raising children that don’t share their DNA, and honoring those children’s birth families in the process, are warriors. The children who gracefully balance the terrible loss of their first family with deep love for their adoptive family are warriors. ⠀
And in my heart I believe birth mothers are warriors, even though they may not feel like it at the time, just as I didn’t immediately after our losses. To selflessly place your child in the arms of another family in order to give them their best chance... gosh, I just can’t even imagine, but I have so much love and gratitude.⠀
And this is the reason the word warrior is displayed so prominently on our Adoption Fundraiser shirts- to honor all parts of the adoption triad, and also to honor whatever it is that makes you a warrior. It’s not just about us and our journey; it’s about YOU and what makes YOU a warrior. Click the link in my profile to learn more about our fundraiser. ⠀
And in case you’re wondering, this is me and our baby girl, Faith.”
#ihadamiscarriage #miscarriage #heavenbabymama #TeamPetersonBaby #hopingtoadopt #wearead
Just saw this today after reading an article about it this weekend. I’ve been thinking of my twins. They survived my gallbladder removal but passed just before my second trimester. Still getting hit with how much they gave me during their short lives. #infantloss #miscarriage #warriordragonslayer #recoveryispossible
If you saw our stories yesterday you saw this sweet trail mix sign featured! We love seeing our signs add detail to showers & events! #babyshower
"From its inception, Beautycounter has endeavored to build community. This goal is based on the fundamental notion that everyone, different as we all might be, values many of the same things: our health, safety for those we love, and the freedom to make informed choices. When we recognize our commonalities, we begin to relate, and then we connect, and then we change the world." - Gregg Renfrew
Beautycounter wouldn’t be able to advocate for better health protective laws if we didn’t have people like you spreading the word. I invite you to share this group with those you love who could benefit from the posts in here. ❤️
I’m on day 3 of this new program & I’m LOVING IT. The 20 mins is super easy to work into our day, the trainer is crazy encouraging, & the nutrition plan doesn’t make me feel deprived (I still get to eat carbs!) 💕🙌🏼
We’ve got a second round of ladies starting together on 2/4 & I’d love to see YOU in it. Yes, YOU!
You CAN do this, girl. You CAN fit this into your schedule. You CAN choose to fuel your body with what it needs. You CAN choose to spend 20 minutes a day to care for your body, mind, & heart 💕 You in?
🏅 In February of 2018, I completed the Disney Princess Half Marathon, seven weeks pregnant, totally unprepared, and it completely changed my life. ❤️As I ran across the finish line, I broke into tears realizing I had completed something I had fully convinced myself would never happen.
It was a moment when I realized I was much stronger, braver, and resilient than I allowed myself to believe.
It was a moment when I realized I was capable of accomplishing much more than what I tell myself to strive for.
It was a moment when I realized life is only limited by the beliefs and restrictions we create for ourselves. 💔Two weeks after I crossed the finish line at Epcot, I was completely crushed when we found out the strong likelihood that I had lost our first pregnancy.
Three weeks later, I had a D+C procedure.
I had woken up (from anesthesia), no longer pregnant, shoved to go right back to the "normal" life I had been leading for the last 32-years. ✨ Through the process, I would return to my key beliefs that "everything happens for a reason" and "the universe works in mysterious, magical, and intentional ways". I would mentally go through all of the incredible and amazing things to be grateful for in my life and understand is a normal occurrence for 25% of pregnancies in their first trimester. 🌈 And through the ups and downs, here I am almost an entire year from crossing the finish line of my first half marathon and my first pregnancy happy to share I am now standing with a 27-week-old pregnancy of a healthy Baby Girl with two major life experiences under my belt that have taught me how quickly fleeting moments can go by: these tiny moments can turn into days, and months, and years and suddenly we are left wishing we had stayed a little more present, been a little more grateful, and taken a few more chances.
These life experiences also taught me how much stronger we are than we give our comfort zones (and past all of the self-limiting thoughts we tell ourselves) brings us to a place where we can learn how capable we are and the amazing things that can happen on the other side of fear.
[Trigger warning: miscarriage] This little wooden piece of art can fit in the palm of my hand and cost me exactly $1. But it represents something worth so much more than that. It’s the very first thing that I have purchased for Baby Hanson’s space-travel-themed nursery. It represents a trust that I’ve had broken. After you lose a baby, you can see pregnancy in a whole different light. It’s still joyful and happy, yes, but it’s also raw and devastating. It’s fleeting. There are zero promises. You may not be coming home from the hospital in 9 months’ time with a bundle of joy. You may never get to hold their hand or look into their eyes. You may never get to know their favorite color or book. You may never get to rock them to sleep or comb their hair. Getting pregnant after losing a baby means waking up multiple times in the middle of the night to check for blood. It’s meticulously counting kicks (and chugging ice water, exercising, eating spicy foods when they slow down and your fears start creeping in). Getting pregnant after losing a baby means starting an online baby registry a million times and never ever going through with it because...what if? It’s refusing to discuss baby shower dates and themes because...what if? It’s walking past the soon-to-be nursery and never getting it started because...what if? It’s refusing to buy baby clothes or items because...what if? I’m terrified of finding myself standing alone in a baby nursery, surrounded by items that need boxed up and donated. I’m terrified of adorable, tiny little baby shoes and soft blankets. I’m terrified of the what if’s.
But I bought the wall art today. Because at some point I have to realize that “what if’s” work both ways. What if she’s perfect? What if she’s healthy? What if she makes it full term? What if her favorite color is yellow and her favorite book is Maniac Magee? What if she’s everything we’ve ever hoped for?
Here at BCBS NJ appealing an insurance denial on behalf of my patients with recurrent pregnancy loss. They are denying her access to her #IVF
benefits - recommending that she go through IUI first- but for women with recurrent miscarriage this makes no sense and causes more harm than good. The costs of recurrent pregnancy loss are high. There are physical and mental costs and well as financial costs. Send us some good juju! Hopefully the insurance company will see that they are not only saving themselves some money but also decreasing physical and mental suffering of these patients!
#miscarriage #pregnancyloss #advocacy #access2care #access2IVF #ifadvocacy #reproductivemedicine #healthcare #recurrentmiscarriage
We went downtown for a festival the other night since I was feeling a little better and I met a man and his wife running a booth selling jewelry. He told me I looked just like his daughter and told me to pick out anything in the booth and he would split it with me. The first thing I saw was this bracelet, if you know me you know I love butterfly’s.. even more so since I suffered my miscarriage a few years back. So I grabbed this bracelet and immediately showed him and told him that’s all I wanted, this $5 bracelet. He told his wife he would pay her the $5 and told me to enjoy it and have a great night ( he also tried to talk me into nursing school 🤷🏼♀️) but needless to say that little act of kindness has brought so much peace and joy to me with this piece of jewelry. It may not be much to anyone else, but to me it’s everything 🦋🖤 #endometriosisawareness #endometriosis #miscarriage #misscarriageawareness #sentimental #butterfly #compassion
I dont like to get political on here, but I feel compelled to say something.
Mothers in New York who have lost children- I hear you. I see you. I feel for you. Having the term "person" redefined to allow late term abortion, also dehumanizes babies lost too soon- Miscarriage. Stillbirth. Ectopic pregnancy. Any loss of pregnancy (NOT ON PURPOSE). A child was still lost. A person, lost. A life that will not get go be lived. I've lost my own son at 21 weeks. He was VERY much a person. A baby. My son. I grieve for a child I lost, still, to this day. I feel that pain, daily. Because I lost a person. I have a death certificate, for my son. He lays at rest at a cemetery. He was, and is to me, very much, a person.
So ladies- dont let some ridiculous, outrageous new bill keep you from speaking up about loss. Dont let it stop you from grieving.
People already dont take us seriously. "We can have another", "We can get over it" they say. Stuff like this, further dehumanizes our lost children, and keeps people from taking loss seriously.
Dont stop speaking up. Your child was a person. And they matter. ♡
#newyork #Stillbirth #Miscarriage #loss #pregnancyloss #pregnancy #ectopicpregnancy #grief #sad #love #person #child #prolife #baby #babyloss #love #mother #survivingloss #angelbaby #angelmom
Do you ever stop to recognize how far you’ve come?⠀
I shared with my UnDiet fit tribe today that sometimes when we’re striving to make changes in our lives we have to recognize that each little bit of seemingly nominal progress is still further than you were when you started. ⠀
And that in and of itself is a big deal!⠀
For a lot of my members it’s weight loss. For me personally right now it’s moving through this 2nd wave of loss and the grief that comes with it. So a day with no tears is progress but that doesn’t mean all my progress is ruined when there are tears.⠀
Being able to laugh is improvement but it’s ok on days I struggle to smile.⠀
What I’m saying is, little things add up and we can be so quick to sabotage progress bc we are consumed with our shortcomings instead of recognizing that we’re still moving forward.⠀
For me it’s emotional and spiritual, for you it might be the battle with the scale. Step back, look at the big picture. Take a sigh of relief that you are even the tiniest step ahead of where you started. Then, keep going!
6 years ago today on what I thought would be one of the happiest moments of my life was the day my whole world came crashing down.
6 years ago today I was so excited to see you for the second time, so excited to see how much you had grown & to see you moving about but instead I found out your heart had stopped beating and for so did mine because that moment I’d realised the thing I’ve been longing for my whole life was taken away from me.
Words can’t even describe how distraught I was, and still am to this day that it happened. For as long as I remember I’ve always wanted to be a mum. And to know that it wasn’t going to happen really broke me as a person and tbh I’ve never been the same since. I still imagine daily the what ifs, what if it never happened and you’d be here now, what kinda child you’d be, how beautiful you’d be. I never got to meet you or hold you, but you had a really big impact on my life & on my heart, so when I lost you I sort of lost some of myself.
I think in some ways I still haven’t even dealt with my grief and I don’t think I’ll ever fully deal with it. I’ll forever love & miss you so so so much! ♥️
#winniethepoohquotes #quotes #miscarriage #miscarriageawareness #imissyou
After my first miscarriage in 2016 I did everything I could to try to fix it myself. I ate better, I exercised as much as I could and I made better sleeping habits. None of this worked. I felt failed by the health system. 2 months after I found out I had ovarian cysts and one of them was growing at an alarming rate. I was monitored for a 2 more months until a trip to the ER landed me in the OR... After this experience I went into hyper drive trying to find out what was going to be best for my body to protect my own health. For the first 4 months what I did limited me on when, how and where I ate, when and how I exercised.. it was all consuming and I thank God I went through that to learn I don't need to be that limiting again. God reminded me that I was verging on unhealthy again but blessed me with a baby to kickstart my brain and seek help again! #Godisgood
2 years and 2 months, and baby and a move later, I miscarried again. I found out my cysts had grown back but are growing slow enough that I don't need to follow up unless I can feel "the pain" again. I again am working on turning my health around. Part of that journey is this. Coaching. It's holding me more accountable. If I was just doing this for exercise, there's no WAY I'd be at the point I am. I follow the exercise plans as is and I adjust the meal plan based on what my doctor has recommended to protect my health. But I do use the meal plans as a base for portion control.
I believe God has put my team in my life to remind me and keep me grounded that health does not mean limiting yourself!
This is the voice I needed when I was in the midst of my investigations and treatments. Through bad news and miscarriages. There is light at the end of the tunnel and it doesn't have to be swaddled and soothed. I wondered if other people would like to hear some of our story, so I've set this up. I will start sharing some of our stories and experiences of how we went from wanting a baby and the obstacles we faced, through the mental health struggles and physical barriers, to where we are now. Happy. We put ourselves back together and are building something beautiful. We are not a sad story. We hover somewhere between childless and child free. Maybe I can be that voice that someone else needs. 🌻 #childless #childfree #pcos #infertility #miscarriage #babyloss #ttc #overcome #acceptance #lightattheendofthetunnel #firstpost #baby #infertilityjourney #childfreejourney
Ugh it’s the little things 💔 I found an app called ‘Bumply’ where you can connect with other pregnant women and women with babies in your area and I thought oh wow how amazing so made an account, completely forgetting that I must have made one early on in my pregnancy with George so my old account popped up and it caught me so off guard, that’s the Charlotte I should be, with a healthy 7 month old not the Charlotte who’s had everything taken away from her and had to start all over again, I’m so grateful that I’m growing our little girl but it’s things like this that remind me that I can’t just go through this pregnancy blindly excited for our new arrival because everything is different this time
Anyone else been caught off guard by something like this?
How much sleep do you get?? Stress has a detrimental impact on fertility
Women who are constantly under stress produce prolactin, cortisol, and other hormones, which can interfere with or even block regular ovulation
for years and years i was conditioned to diminish my feelings
to stuff em down into that bottomless pit of nothingness never to be heard
• • •
as i am sure you are aware, this is not healthy
not even in the slightest bit,
and i'm paying for it now as i work diligently on myself, on my self-worth, and on my mindset
• • •
not only do I have 3 littles trusting me with their lives, trusting me not to fuck them up, trusting ME to love them and nurture them and teach them ALL THE THINGS
• • •
but I also have a partner, my bestfriend, my lover, my rock, counting on me to do all the things and be the mom and wife he knows i can be
• • •
but above it all, i am counting on myself to do better and be better— not just for them, but for me!
• • •
it's okay to not be okay
but what's not okay is to STAY not being okay
• • •
life is fucking brutal sometimes
its not supposed to be easy
and if you think so, you're setting yourself up for MAJOR failure
• • •
look at life like a heartbeat line, it has it's ups and it has it's downs
but when it's flat… you're dead, you no longer have anything
• • •
so "embrace the suck" because when you come out the other side, you'll have so much more to be thankful for
Self Care Divas...help a sista out?!
There is a LOT of concealer covering up the dark circles around my eyes and I would like to no longer mask the problem, but find a way to proactively make it better!
So under my eyes, there is a lot of darkness, but above my eye there are a lot of veins that show through. Over all, the coloring isn’t as light and bright as I would like it to be. .
What type of product do I need to help with this? And do you have a brand you love and recommend?
IT’S WOMAN WEDNESDAY! 🎉
Every Wednesday I am going to be spotlighting different women to share their stories and experiences. I am SO excited to be highlighting @tiffanihafen.
Tif is probably the most down to earth woman I have ever met and you just feel better about yourself and life when spending time with her. So many positive vibes and prayers headed your way friend!
Hi I’m Tiffani! Most people call me Tif. I’ve been married to my high school crush (and ultimately my dream guy) for 7.5 years. I’ve always felt the luckiest for that.
We’ve been on a rough journey trying to start our family, and for about 5.5 years we’ve been actively trying to get pregnant, infertility ruled our lives for many of those years, including 5 rounds of IVF which resulted in 3 heartbreaking miscarriages, one round that just didn’t work, and now the little “embryo who could” and did! Our rainbow baby girl is coming any day now (officially due 2/7) and to say we are over the moon is to express our happiness lightly! We recognize God’s hand in our lives and through the storm and struggle we see a bright shiny rainbow 🌈 and we can’t wait to meet her! ❤️
Tag a friend that would benefit hearing Tif’s sweet story. 🌈
There is a new post on the blog, for the first time in a long time. ⠀
I didn’t have the heart to post the last few months and although I don’t explain every reason why, I am writing for the first time about my miscarriages, including my most recent one in December.
Each Wednesday I post a chanelled message from spirit - today's Wednesday Worldly Wisdom is a message from Mary Magdalene - a call to the Divine Feminine and the Divine Masculine - ending the pain.
"We will no longer live under a cloak of sadness, we will no longer live under a cloak of shame at our pain. We will reveal our pain. And celebrate our pain and live in our pain. Until that pain no longer needs to be revealed.
And we can lift this pain from the shoulders of all women. No more to the shame and no more to the hiding of that pain.
For that pain is real and once it is acknowledged as such, it no longer has to be, or it can no longer be. It is time to lift the shroud of secrecy and the cloak of damage that has been caused by the hiding of the pain and the fear of pain.
We do not fear pain, we embrace the pain, because it is our power. And through allowing this, the pain is no more." Ends
I am very nearly finished writing my book Rosa's Choice - Healing the Wounds of the Mother - which is part channeled with my spirit baby Rosa. (And looking for a publisher - just in case you can help!) One of it's key messages is that as we heal our wounds it allows for a new energy to be birthed in the world - the next generation of Souls building a New Earth. Often it can be our own internal pain holding us back from being with our babies.
If you have come onto your spiritual path because of a challenging journey to motherhood - either fertility struggles, baby loss or birth trauma then please do check out my Journey to Motherhood programmes here: www.debrakilby.com or send me a direct message to find out if and how I can support you.
#marymagdalene #spiritmessenger #channelledwisdom #spiritualcoach #spiritualcounselling #wednesdayworldlywisdom #divinefeminineenergy #divinefeminine #divinemasculine #energysensitive #energyhealing #healing #journeytomotherhood #babyloss #miscarriage #spiritbaby #spiritbabycommunication #termination #shame #fertilitycoach #meetyourbaby #fertilitysupport #sacredconception
Truer words have never been spoken and this is the ethos of our #LiveYourLifeFertility
event but we know it can be hard because we get caught up in the tests, appointments, medication, injections. We stop making plans, avoid some potentially awkward occasions. We're all learning as we go but we can safely say that to continue living our lives has got to be the best way! What have you sacrificed since #ttc
that you want to bring back into your life again, and how are you going to do it? Pic nicked from @whatkatiedid_ttc
- It seems that recently influencers being authentic is a trend. I never feel comfortable enough to share my personal feelings or any breakdowns to the public. But here I am, with my brand new mint blue year planner and pillow that are lying on my night blue velvet sofa, can’t sleep and trying to figure out what my goals are in 2019. (Always love it when I watch Carrie Bradshaw typing her thoughts out while sucking on a red popsicle. It was awesome to meet her in person last year🧡)
- I had a natural miscarriage in December last year. It was heartbreaking and also went by surprisingly fast. I’m thankful for this experience so that I can actually relate to many others out there who have experienced the same pain and learn how to cherish what I have right now. I’m not sure if I’ll try to have babies this year or anytime sooner. I feel sometimes, there needs to be a pause.
- Cuz when things shattered to dust, you can’t just glue dust back together. Instead, I should use dust to re-sculpture something new & amazing. We are made of molecules of dusts and our physical bodies will eventually turn back into dusts. Vanity and material stuff will just be a wind through the fingers. We can’t afford the separation with God. We need hope and faith to move on in life. Good night 🌙 #healing #healingjourney
#style #streetstyle #makeup #hair #miscarriagesupport #purse #shoes #fashionweek #fashionista #love #pregnant #fashionblogger #miscarriage #dog #heels #gym #photograph #dope #model #pregnancy #relationshipgoals #dress #cute #rings #travel #currentmood #fit