it's been a weird winter y'all 🌨️❄️🌨️ seasonal depression is real, but I've come to expect its grey, damp weight—like an old worn blanket I keep meaning to throw out. what I wasn't expecting was this seasonal masculinity.
hang on, I'll zoom out a bit.
I've called myself "genderfluid" for the last two years. I still find it useful for explaining my gender to others, but the more I go on the more nuanced I learn my gender is. I used to think that the vague "boyish" and "girlesque" states I moved thru were completely random; that my gender was like a ping pong ball rolling along a see-saw, with Masc at one end and Femme at the other, with no idea who was moving it. but this winter has made me think it's a little more complicated.
since coming out, I've become more and more aware of the landscape of my gender—its features and scars. the euphoria of someone affirming my pronouns is familiar and delightful as the rose bush at the end of my street. the knowledge that my body still sends signals most people receive as "male, full stop" is the pothole I avoid on my commute (let's be real, my commute is l i t t e r e d with potholes). I've come to know the patchwork of microclimates that tell me "you're in femme country, rock that lipstick 😘" or "I hope you got yer man boots cuz these rocks are sharp and you're extra fragile 😬". so I guess I shouldn't be surprised to learn my gender has its seasons.
as far as I can tell, the landscape itself doesn't change substantially, but it does respond to the seasons. the river doesn't shift its course, but it might freeze over. it's harder to see the variety when everything's covered in snow. just so, the melting snow might flood the river come springtime. I think you get what I'm saying.
I don't know why this particular winter has been so broadly masculine, but it hasn't been an unwelcome change, all things considered. I've got the right gear to feel comfortable, instead of damp and grey. I'm better able to see the lay of the land beneath its beard of snow. I know when spring comes I'll be ready for whatever it brings (hopefully dresses with pockets 😉), because I am a gender ecosystem 🏞️🏕️⛰️
My heart flutters so distinctly when the moon is in Gemini, like today. In case you forgot, you owe it to yourself to step into your power without fear. For all the lifetimes where persecution kept you from understanding the ways of the universe and mastering your craft as its messenger, you owe it to yourself to believe this lifetime holds nothing but promise. Before birth, in unabashed hope, you chose the challenges unfolding before you. You believed then, so you must believe now. You possess the tools, you enjoy the freedom, you thrive in the support needed to fulfill your higher purpose. This time, only you stand between you and enlightenment.