I keep reminding myself of the words "It's like a stab in my heart." and "It's like having my heart ripped out." Every time I try to describe the pain I feel, I can not compare it.
How can one describe the pain, if one thinks of the time when the grandmother read a fairy tale or sang a children's song a là "all birds are already there"?
How to play games with her and get her jam sandwiches in the afternoon or she comforted you, cried together and laughed?
How does one describe the pain of remembering how one walked the world on the father's shoulders, getting upset when cheating while playing or sitting with him at the piano? How to drive with him in the car, watch movies with him and he just fell asleep?
Is there any description at all of how the pain feels when you think back on how you became a teenager and were often more important to yourself or just "annoyed" by the family? for the regret you feel when you think that you have sometimes disappointed your loved ones or that you were the reason they were sad?
Can you really describe what it feels like to get a phone call, that your father has died and that you have not even been allowed to say goodbye to him? Or the next 19 days, when you watched his mother, my grandmother, gradually break down, because she wanted her life to end by the death of her son?
I can not find a description for all this. But I would like to put into words how I feel and tell the two again.
I miss you, dad, grandma. Every day. 💕
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