The smell of your memories
Sometimes, I accidentally walk into the places where I and you had our moments before, existed before. Which still have the smell of your memories. And all of a sudden, it begins to feel like I have entered into a dark room without a door anywhere. Where I can always hear that song, I used to love once before. -Akshay Vasu
Repost @gemmatroypoetry (@get_repost )
I found this in an old journal. I think it was a sign (another one 😝) I really needed this reminder today. I’m always getting too caught up in my thoughts and when I do I bring upon myself so much unnecessary suffering. I think this year has been the hardest for me in terms of living with an overactive mind. I have completely destroyed my confidence with my writing. I doubted myself and as soon as that seed of doubt was planted it grew so fast and so out of control I’m struggling to tame it. I have always tried to be honest here in this space. Something that terrifies me and I wonder if you all can see the doubt too? there is one thing I need to do and that is to let go. When I manage to do that the writing returns. But we all know that is the hardest thing to do. I find it easier when I stay away from Instagram, When I don’t spend time replying to Dm’s and comments and posting stories. Because I feel like when I’m doing that I’m pulled away from my heart. It’s such a hard thing to do though, because I want to make sure you all feel appreciated. I’m definitely a difficult and pedantic and over scrupulous and meticulous human being. Like even right now I’m typing this on my mac. I need the page to be at the top of the screen, I need silence, I need to have eaten. When I write in my journal, it has to be with the right pen. It is like all the planets have to align for me to able to write. It’s ridiculous, but it’s me. I’m like one of those see through ant mines. A labyrinth of tunnels and dark alley ways. I’m quiet. I will sit and narrate complete stories in my mind and I’m completely zoned out while doing it. I notice things other people don’t, someone will show me a picture and I will comment on something completely different. I hate small talk. I will stand by myself to avoid it. I hate talking in general. So much more is said when we are silent. I don’t know where this is going, but I’m writing so maybe it’s the beginning and that is all I need to do… To begin again.