I torture myself and I don’t know how to stop it…I try so hard to think positive and for the most part I do, I am; but, keeping myself that way is the hardest thing in the world. It creeps up on me out from the shadows of my mind. I hate to sound like some cheesy novel but it’s true. Whatever I have going on deep inside myself, I do my best to ignore and most days, everything is good but when it hits, when this sudden rush of negative energy comes by, it’s like a wave of depression.
I get so down about the direction of my life. Am I making the right decisions? Am I being who I am meant to be? I get low about the things I do and I second guess my choices after I’ve already made them and then sometimes days later I change my mind again and go back to an earlier choice I made about the same damn thing…
Back and forth, back and forth…like a circle of confusion. I feel like I’m going crazy when this happens, when I can’t seem to figure out a solution to my path…it’s like a disease in my brain…I get trapped inside myself and I get lost in this really lonely place; until finally I find some inner strength and I rip forward in a new light but I know that it’s only a matter of time before I go back to that, that way of being and it scares me. I don’t want to be that way…I just want to be happy and want to know that I am living my life with purpose. I don’t want to have any regrets when I get old and look back on the life I’ve lived; cause I won’t be able to go back and that would kill me in the end.
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