watching documentary on #techno
and remembering the days of crazy partying. Looking back, I just slowly had all life seep out of me until at 27 I thought it was a rational decision to commit #suicide
I didn’t think my life was shit or lacking anything, I was just totally tired. I guess I was über-intoxicated at the time, but I certainly didn’t think I needed to stop anything I did.
I loved clubbing, went to #Tresor
when it was still by the wall, went to #fabric
lots, lots of fancy clubs, often feeling real despair whilst there. Drink, drugs and music would take off the edge and me to oblivion. I’m trying to envision what it was I got from #church
once I started going at 27, and it’s hard to say. I was incredibly open-minded then and it certainly wasn’t the values. I think it was the concept of responsibility that most resonated with me. I had tried everything to escape my own restriction before but actually taking responsibility was pretty novel. Plus, my life motto I guess was a deep I DONT CARE,yet actually it was super alien and equally attractive to care. For myself, for ideas, for truth, for others. I think that is what began to break through. It started with taking issue with the ideas presented to me at church. Mostly, I disagreed with everything I saw. I hated the positivity, it seemed irrelevant. I somehow liked the principle of repentance, even though it wasn’t called that or appeared to me like that. A kind of taking stock of ones life, recognizing where there is lack, acknowledging that I can’t change it’s future, and bringing it to God. Responsibility came in the shape of knowing I was the one who got my life to where it was. Blame shifting just didn’t cut it. Anyways, I should go to bed but keep watching that documentary and, if I were in Berlin now, I’d probably head to #watergate
to sweat now:)