The ripple of shock that follows the realization always leaves me a little breathless. On top of trying to kick a cold, I couldn’t shake a deep unease all weekend. It was the low buzz of cellular memory, which I finally realized when it hit me all of a sudden that very recently was my abusers birthday.
These occasions can trigger a physical response long before my mind puts the pieces together. After the wave of realization I was disassociating, and when I came to I was staring at this beautiful, frozen-in-time dried rose. Somehow it preserved itself perfectly in shape and dimension. It is fragile as a new butterfly wing, though. But it transformed and now sits on my little shrine of happiness, it’s delicate veins and impossible layers providing a source of meditation to draw my thoughts away from the fixations is a flashback.
Did you hear the one about the carrot, the egg, and the coffee bean?
In boiling water the carrot goes soft. The egg goes hard. The coffee bean? It transforms the water into something it could never achieve without the heat of the boil.
This is me being the bean. I’m transforming the water. Taking the pain and the pressure and the ptsd and turning it into something more beautiful and powerful than I could ever imagine. Yes, it’s still a painful road. But the joy outweighs the pain in a way I never thought possible.
There are truly more good days than bad and my ability to recognize, respond, and return to the new world more quickly and with more control grows stronger each day. I will live alongside this piece of me for the rest of my life, and I thank the woman who got through it for the opportunity to become the woman who created something magical as a result.
#survivor #thriver #whatelse #glowup #yyc #domesticviolence #dv