It took me a very long time to find a club I felt could really push me to the limit and motivate me to get better in this sport. Just beginning and I’m in love with how much my butt gets kicked. I can’t wait to see myself get stronger and more experienced in technique from the amazing people here. 🥋🖤
Friends bring the fun and keep me laughing. Thanks David for bringing us 🖤
I should really put an effort into doing my hair sometime 👽
I am a contradiction. An eternal conflict. Forever split down the middle. The side that wins carries the heaviest substance brought on through knuckle bleeding experiences. It seems that it’s always left to chance.
A few months ago I decided that I’d live with the heartbreaking conclusion that there won’t be a partner who syncs with my mind/soul; someone who will see me; someone who would know the real me. The real me seems to scare too many people. So, I’ve worn a unique mask designed especially for each specific person I’ve come into contact with in life. I have hundreds. And somewhere in the mix, my true self gets lost. Each year having died a little more. Because she’d been forgotten; unused; unwanted. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Why don’t you just be a stay at home mom?” “Why don’t you just want to hang out with me?” “Why do you need to meet so many people?” “Art isn’t a career” “We need to be rich before getting married” “It’s your fault I feel insecure” “Why can’t you just be happy with ME”These thoughts say everything about me that I am not and have swirled around in my head the past 4 months. Voiced by someone I tried to call Life Partner. Someone who forced me to wear my most impressive mask yet. Over the course of 6 years the mask has finally burnt to a motherfucking crisp, falling to pieces upon the floor for me to walk away from. But I am so happy and thankful for every heartbreak.
The force being awoken once more, after 10 years of coerced, painful slumber fills my lungs. I’m back and motivated to rule the fucking world. Friends, don’t ever let someone hold down who you are and who you want to be. Don’t ever let someone make you feel guilty for being you. I don’t ever want to be restricted to one person in everyday life. The different colors I consume from different people is what moves and inspires me. I never want to lose that. I shouldn’t have beat myself up for 6 yrs for loving so many people. I can keep my intimacy with one partner but I will forever love hundreds. Never change yourself to make someone else happy. If they can’t blend with you tell them to get the fuck out. I’ve got important shit to do in this lifetime. 🖤
“Someone asks you
Don't you want to be a winner
We will take you
Come be part of something bigger
And the things stacked in your way
Seem to slowly melt away
Today the sky won't seem like much
I got dreams I can touch
I give them everything to keep from going under
I just want to believe in something
I don't care if right or wrong
I just want to believe in something
I cannot make it on my own
And now its hard to swallow
You found something to follow
But you still feeling hollow
I don't know what I'm missing” - Benjamin Booker
What’s amazing about the human condition is that, even though we believe in a universal idea of what beauty is, everyone will be beautiful to at least one person sometime in their life. The person you see pass by you who you’d be quick to negatively judge the appearance of has a family member, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a sibling, a wife, or a husband, maybe a child, who looks into their eyes and truly sees what they know to be beautiful. To be able to become close enough with people that what lies on the outside is somehow melted away to reveal their core of colorful or colorless energy...it makes human connection worth living for. I see people in colors. As if seeing straight through their eyes. There’s a color that dances behind their eyes; it alone somehow makes up and describes every part of them. I feel as though I can reach through the cornea and dip my hands into it, letting the color dye my fingertips. I want to dance with it. Blind. Drain me. Fill me. Melt me. Mold me. Surround me with bright colors so that I may flourish. Let go of the ones who have been branded “ugly” due to their disloyal behavior or ill willed tactics. We all have the ability to let our inner selves radiate outward with beauty. Be beautiful and love the good, beautiful people around you. This outer layer. This shell we move around in. What it shows tells a story. I am thankful for each line that appears on my face. For I have lived. What sadness it brings me to see women and men try and erase these lines. Try to show they have not been ripped open and apart by the world. They’ve not braved storms. I want to show that I have. Every scar on my face. Dent in my body. It tells something about me. Don’t hide the lines created from years of laughing or years of anger. To all be perfect/the same/young forever. What a boring, boring world. Show me wisdom. Show me teachers to the young. Teach finding honor and glory in aging. I’m thankful for every beautiful person in my life. I love you. All of you make my life journey so fun and inspiring.
I had a dream about you last night. You had no mouth. No eyes. I realize why. It is I. Who have forgotten how you look. How you sound. As I wake my heart breaks - I see my 16 yr old self promising the mirror that the memory of you will never fade. So in my head I’d repeat your sound. Replay your image. Please let this imprint stay present in my head. I know the pleas I made prior to your being taken were ignored. My withering faith still holding on by a fragile, stretched piece. But that too would tear. And it has now been torn for too long. As I wake up older than you had ever gotten - the wall built high to keep me safe from emotion dips down into the water and forces me to peek behind it, seeing what I try every day to be blind to. I have allowed myself to forget you and what importance you may have continued to have in my life. Each day growing closer to a stone and further away from the human I was when I found solace in your humor. I see my hand lying where your trimmed black hair met your forehead - the last time I’d lay eyes on the shell that encapsulated your true form. I miss you uncle Stephen. I hope you don’t lie peacefully to rest. I hope you’ve found a new shell somewhere safe in the world getting a second chance to make it past the budding age of 18. • • • •
“I had all and then most of you
Some and now none of you
Take me back to the night we met
I don't know what I'm supposed to do
Haunted by the ghost of you
Oh, take me back to the night we met” • •
Within my element. Where time stops and everything around me disintegrates into calming darkness. I feel settled. Still. And okay. Naked in a river. Wanting the earth to swallow me whole so that every part of me can melt into it. Engulfed inside of the energy the earth provides allows me to feel afloat in this sinking darkness. People ask me how I am and it has too long depended on who I am with whether I am happy or not. The boys I’ve let in have always aggressively pulled me out of this beautifully cryptic spiritual cocoon and forced me to focus on the physical - for to them, it is only what the eyes can see where lies true success and happiness. That way of life has been slowly draining my spirit since beginning the disheartening exploration and search of “love” and “partnership” of my youth. And my heart has begun to feel empty in that category of life. As I set my sights on fulfillment outside of this blind journey of finding single partnership, my heart slowly begins to fill again and I feel a little more fulfilled each day. With myself. Why is it that a partner’s company, which everyone seeks, had brought me down so? I could only assume that I feel happiness in solidarity because I hold what is in my mind, instead of what is on my skin and bones, so strongly as an identity. And who can know my mind? Me. I’d rather not pull my head out of the clouds. I’d rather not be content with what is “easy” and “simple”. I crave imperfection and art and complicated minds who never stop dreaming/learning/seeking more. I was born and will die with the earth. With the company of my own mind. Just me. Having trust and faith in what I left behind and where I grew my mind. So how am I? My mind opens more each day and new adventures come with it. I welcome whoever wants to join me on my journey. I’m over a hill I will enjoy looking back on and it brings me incredible joy. This year was one of the most difficult yet but I am ending it so happy regardless. 🖤
Look at dat gorgeous table of ramen. Bootiful. Fun night with @rubenvernier.
Swipe for pic of crutch-boy and his trusty kick stand.
Haven’t had time to sketch in the mornings in so long 😍☕️✏️
Made it even more special having my family at the Cast & Crew Screening of Christopher Robin today!! 😄 only 5 more days 🖤 it’s been such a fun and eye-opening experience 🐻 🍯
Well you can talk about me, say that I'm mean
I'll blow your head off baby with nitroglycerine 💉
Real girls are never perfect & Perfect girls are never real 🖤 so I’m glad I’m not perfect cuz I’d rather be real