to our first date. I had 9 months clean. This date actually took place on a bench outside of a burger joint, because neither of us had enough money to actually GO anywhere.
We each took a SCAT bus and met halfway. We sat on the bench for hours, watching people, and sharing our goals for the future - once we got our s*** together.
Two things were certain that day: I was crazy about him, and my goals for the future paled in comparison to how awesome my future actually turned out.
We are so damn blessed. .
We got a new JTJ shirt in the shop (hahahah) and Im giving two away. Check out my FB page to enter.
So I got proffesional headshots done today... I swear I took a normal one too.
Shoutout to @littleskullphotography
for being awesome, playing The Lumineers and letting/ encouraging me to get a little weird. (And for having them all edited and delivered 2 hours after I left the studio.) #Icantbenormalforfiveseconds
Happy Father's Day, Dad. Thanks for showing me that it's okay to be a creative goofball ❤
I did not like my children when this photo was taken.
I actually resented them for existing.
Kaiden was 17 months old and Chloe 1 month, and I didn't want to be their mother, I didn't want to change their diapers, feed them, and most of the time - I wanted to leave them in their cribs and run out the door, never to return.
I know that some of your jaws are hanging open, and some of you are probably disgusted thinking, "how the hell can someone dislike their own children?". I know, its effed up, which is why it took me so long to tell anybody about it.
I remained silent and buried my thoughts. I smiled for photos and mustered false admiration when someone would fawn over them.
I cried often, most of the day actually. I questioned my sanity and constantly berated myself for being such a shitty person. I screamed, I hid, I let them cry and pulled my hair out. I didn't want them anymore. I didn't want them.
My husband didnt know. He was gone alot, working. I couldnt tell him, he'd regret having children with me. I was alone.
One day I decided I wasnt going to get them out of their cribs. I was going to leave them there, let them cry and soil themselves. I didnt care. I couldnt care. I tried to care. I COULDNT care.
Instead I called my doctors office. The moment my favorite receptionist answered I broke down in tears. I told her I didnt want to be a mom anymore and she told me to "Come in IMMEDIATELY". I did. The doctor spoke to me about Post- Partum Depression as if he'd had this conversation thousands of times.
Turns out he had. Turns out I was one of MILLIONS of women experiencing those feelings at that exact moment. I wasn't crazy. Something was wrong with my brain. Something I couldnt fix alone.
My doctor and I fixed it together.
My kids are 2 & 3 now, and I love and adore them so much that my heart physically aches when I think of them. I would give my life for them without blinking.
Reaching out for help was the greatest gift I have ever given them as a mother.
If any of this sounds familiar to you, I just wanted you to know -- you aren't alone. You arent crazy -- and you need to tell someone.
Having kids so close together in age has been incredibly difficult and immeasurably rewarding. I could eat their damn faces I love them so mother effing much. Sorry.... Too far.
Soooo...I tried a pole fitness class. It wasn't as easy as I thought 😂😂 WATCH FULL VID @awestruck
(link in bio)!