looking for someone to kill me,dm if interested 👍🏽
4 days ago031
8 days ago041
“Go ahead and call me a coward and say that I'm not strong, because I'm not like you
Go ahead and call me crazy cause I live in a maze, tell me how about you?
I think I live in my head, sometimes I think that I'm dead, I hide behind my youth
No, I been losing my mind and I'm a little behind, step inside my shoes
'Cause I've never been happy with myself, and I don't need no one feeling bad for me
Trying to offer me pity and throw jabs at me
Wanna give me advice and then laugh at me
Behind closed doors, just close the door
Let me be by myself, just me and myself
I'm tired of living, I cry, I hear it's easy to die, I wanna see for myself
And I know that sounds crazy to everyone else
But I'm depressed as fuck, stressed as fuck
Ain't no medicine that could cure what's the test as drugs
I mean, I need extra love
And that ain't even enough, said that ain't even enough
And where the fuck is God?
Damn, maybe I ain't believing enough
But today we gonna see if he's real
And if he is, I guess I'm prolly going to hell
Look, I ain't wanna die like this
I ain't picture my life like this
They don't know what it's like like this
Pretending I'm happy so I can smile like this, and laugh like you
Sometimes I wonder if I ever act like you
Could I finally fit in and maybe relax like woo
Or would you feel lost without me?
'Cause honestly, I think the world is better off without me
And my mind's spinning, this is the line finish
Truth is, I don't care how they feel about my feelings
I made up my mind, I'm going out like Robin Williams
I guess I'm not the Ordinary People of John Legend
And I've been suicidal since the day I was nine, shit
Okay, the day I was nine
I've been tired of being bullied, couldn't stay out the fire
Grandma told me I should take it one day at a time
And dammit, look at me now, fuck
Look, just know it's a new day
But if you reading this, then it's probably too late”
11 days ago112141
“The first time we said, “Hello,”
it felt as though pterodactyls were flapping their wings against the corridors of my stomach.
That day, Cupid didn’t have an arrow large enough to hold a love this size,
so he hijacked a plane and flew it into my chest.”
20 days ago032
realizing that most of you guys never read the poems i leave
20 days ago647
When I was in the fifth grade, I knew a kid named Javier
He was black, which was confusing
He was an African-American kid who spoke Spanish, loved Country music, wore cowboy boots, played jump rope and had a look on his face that said:
I wish a motherfucker would say something
None of us said anything
For show and tell, he brings in his pet chameleon
When he walks in, the eyes of every kid glaze over
Like the windows to our souls shook hands with the winter for the first time
A girl, with box springs in her throat
Felt the silence was just too heavy for her fingertips to hold onto any longer
Drops the quiet like a suitcase full of habits that no one wants to keep
And says, "So what's his name?"
He replies, "I call him Rudy"
When the class realized that me and the lizard had the same name,
they laughed uncontrollably.
20 years later, the irony hit me over the head like an empty Heineken bottle inside of the bar fight that I call my everyday life.
I get it, you see, chameleons
They have the ability to paintbrush themselves into what ever will match their surroundings
They do it so often, they probably wouldn't be able to recognize a photograph of their own skin
They think it is far better to be invisible than to grind their teeth into "I dare you"
And to ride their bones like a magic carpet
no steering wheel, no tires, no brakes, no battery
Just faith and a chest full of "I am not dying today"
Courage has never been a chameleon's best attribute
And some days, it's not mine either
I was mentored by black men with brown skin
who turned yellow at the sight of swollen bellies filled with half their DNA
I was taught that a woman's vagina is just an underground railroad
That real men have tunnel vision and treat girls like subway cars
Like nothing more than a space to parallel park our genitals
A hole to bury seeds and leave orchids in our rear view mirrors
They say you gotta peel a woman like a tangerine
And your job as a man is to chameleon your self into her trees
Bite a piece of her fruit and leave the rest hanging crooked and confused
This is an apology to every woman I changed colors just to get inside of.
21 days ago236
thursday, 1:09 ante meridiem
21 days ago035
did you guys go trick or treating?
23 days ago136
Explaining my depression to my mother: A conversation
Mom, my depression is a shapeshifter
One day it's as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear
The next it's the bear
On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone
I call the bad days "the Dark Days"
Mom says, "try lighting candles"
But when I see a candle, I see the flesh of a church
The flicker of a flame
Sparks of a memory younger than noon
I am standing beside her open casket
It is the moment I learn every person I ever come to know will someday die
Besides Mom, I'm not afraid of the dark, perhaps that's part of the problem
Mom says, "I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed"
I can't, anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, inside of my head
Mom says, "Where did anxiety come from?"
Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to invite to the party
Mom, I am the party, only I am a party I don't want to be at
Mom says, "Why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends"
Sure I make plans, I make plans but I don't want to go
I make plans because I know I should want to go; I know sometimes I would have wanted to go
It's just not that fun having fun when you don't want to have fun, Mom
You see, Mom, each night Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms, dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light
Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company
Mom says, "Try counting sheep"
But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake
So I go for walks, but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists
They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells, reminding me I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness that I cannot baptize myself in
Mom says, "Happy is a decision"
But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg
My happy is a high fever that will break
Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying
No Mom I am afraid of living
Mom I am lonely
I think I learned that when Dad left how to turn the anger into lonely
24 days ago632
“my hobbies include editing my life story, hiding behind metaphors, and trying to convince my shadow that i’m someone worth following”
25 days ago240
no creature in the jungle will call fire by its proper name. every beast lives in deadly fear of it, and invents a hundred ways of describing it. and because the animals cannot create or control it, they are scared of it. fire, then, represents power and difference, as well as fear.
29 days ago141
hey i’m ok 🐙
30 days ago127
one of the few pictures on my phone that isnt band related 👦
2 months ago151
often imitated, never duplicated
2 months ago2162
howdy there little lady
5 months ago357
a thank you to those that made this year amazing. (this isnt everyone, just couldnt get a pic with some ppl)
and of course special thanks to my parents, for pushing me beyond my limits, and being the best parents they could 💖
6 months ago11883
whoever has pics from the trip should send them to me
6 months ago380
im happy where i am. got my real friends, my girl, and im leaving to pv soon. what more could i ask for honestly?